Year In Review

Two Thousand Twelve - 2012 - Last Year - A Year I Will Never Forget

 

I've pondered this post for a week or two. I've been avoiding blogging, not sure why, but I know that in writing I will come to the conclusion, that's usally what happens as I sit at the computer and put words on the screen. So let's do a quick year in review:

• January - Doug and I were honored to host the Diers family as we celebrated the engagement of our kids. Brandon and Blair got engaged on the 30th of December, we surprised Blair by having her parents and grandma here when they got home. We hosted our annual Christmas Card Party on New Year's Eve, playing Court Whist. It was a lovely weekend! My dad got his pacemaker on the 3rd of January. April left of Singapore on the 28th of January and my sister began a journey in Rochester.
• February was a pretty quiet month, lots of skyping with April in Singapore so she could see Lena. Lots of quilting for me, and dreams of the Ice Stand business for Doug.
• March - My uncle Si passed away and his funeral was on the day that Nolan turned 22 and my sister got her brain fixed :) Pretty much a quiet month.
• April - An exciting month for my boys. Brandon and Blair bought their first house and Doug and I got to go to Nebraska for another move. Joking this was the last move we'd have to do for them. They have a beautiful four bedroom home in Omaha. Doug delivered a gift to Brandon, the hardware for his picnic table, made by Doug's dad. The boys had a good time working on it, even if it wasn't in my agenda! :) April 28th, the family gathered in Indianola for an exciting celebration for Nolan, he graduated from Simpson College. We went out with friends on Friday night, enjoying a few cold ones, but mostly Doug and I enjoyed watching the interaction of our kids and their friends. Saturday was the big day ... again we partied and celebrated.
• May - Need I say more ... my friend, love, confidant, and sweetheart died. He left an empty spot in the hearts of so many, but most of all in the hearts of me and the kids. As I sit and look back it feels like a lifetime ago, I feel like I've been alone for far longer, and some days it feels like just last week. Doug died May 9th, his funeral was on the 12th, and we've all tried to find the new path in our journey to normal.
• June - My wonderful Aunt Betty passed away and we had her funeral on the 18th. The month was a blurr of activities. My dearest friend helped me to clean out some closets, sort and organize for when the kids come home to go through things; do some landscaping, and three women painted the garage, took down the gutters, cleaned them and rehung them! YEAH! I left for an almost two-week trip to see my kids. Mark and Joan were so kind to allow me to use the Edge as I delivered things to each of my kids. Our first celebration, a shower for Brandon and Blair in Nebraska, took place. My sweet kids were always at my side, I was never alone, and Doug was not far from my mind.
• July - Our first July Jubilee without Doug. We had 54 people for lunch on Saturday ... each of them noticing the one who was missing. We enjoyed an amazing quiet night with the Divan's, April, Emily and Chris, and other friends who dropped in and out of the yard. The gentlemen from SAE kept things lively and I celebrated by 51st birthday. I enjoyed some preaching in the Bethel/Trinity churches.
• August - I went to the Zobel Family Reunion ... it was good to see so many family members and have huge hugs from Uncle Floyd and Aunt Lois. Jeff, Denise, Michelle, Kevin, Stacy, Melissa ... the list goes on and on and on of those who missed Doug, and held our family close as we missed him too. I headed down to KC for an amazing weekend with Blair, Cindy, Jenny and celebrating in Bachelorette style! Oh goodness we had fun. The weekend of the 25th I headed for Omaha with my sister Deb for another shower for Blair. We enjoyed dinner in downtown Omaha, hmmmmmm wonder what our waiter was smoking? And the last weekend of August ... leading into Labor Day
• 
  September - I found my way to southern Iowa and the wedding reception for Gabe and Caitlyn. What a beautiful weekend, we relaxed, enjoyed the company of Amy, Nolan's lady :) and got to catch up with a ton of April's college friends. Hugs from Andrea was a highlight, as well as meeting Caitlyn's mom! We hosted a party weekend for Brandon and Blair the weekend of the 15th. A shower in the morning and a honeymoon shower in the evening with a bonfire. Blair's family, our family, and so many friends enjoyed time with the soon to be married couple.

 

• October - the big month we've all waited for. Brandon and Blair said their vows in a beautiful setting at the Lied Lodge in Nebraska City, NE. It's an amazing place if you need a getaway. I celebrated Doug's birthday, the 4th, at Brandon's with my two boys, enjoying a barbecue on the patio. Brandon and I traveled to Nebraska City for the big weekend ... we all felt Doug's absence obviously, but the Zobels and all of our friends did him proud by celebrating the wedding of my amazing and loving son and his beautiful bride. Brandon now proudly wears the wedding ring that Doug wore for almost 33 years. My hope is that B & B have as much happiness and love as Doug and I did, Brandon's dad would be so proud to see the glint of gold on his son's left hand. On the wedding day, each of the kids got a ring that had been Doug's, something for them to wear, to hold onto, a piece of their dad. Emotions ran deep, but as I said, we let the joy and celebration of the event shine!

• November - I spent a couple days in Iowa City quilting with some amazing friends, got home and had a quilt retreat two days later, and 6 days later left for 12 days in Omaha and Lincoln with my handsome sons. In the meantime I applied for a job in Lake Mills and on November 16th, the offer to be the new Executive Director of the LMCDC awas made to me. I stood outside a bar and cried ... so proud of myself for landing it and so sad that I couldn't tell Doug, he'd have been so proud of me. It stands out as one of the times I missed him the most. I'm not sure any of you know it or not, but he was truly my strongest supporter and always so proud of my accomplishments. We celebrated my oldest's birthday, he's now 32, with a great surprise party his wife put together. Thanksgiving weekend was awesome ... filled with good food, family, extended family, friends and those dang Huskers beating the Hawkeye's once again :(

• December - I started my new job, exciting but overwhelming, we had our first winter snowstorm, we helped dad enter the Care Center the Wednesday before Christmas, we celebrated Christmas, and we look forward to putting 2012 to rest.  Later this evening or maybe tomorrow I will take a look at my hopes and dreams for 2013. I hope you all had a most blessed Christmas and it is my prayer that you and yours have a fulfilling 2013. I know that my family is looking forward to all the good things God has in store for us in the coming year.

 

Happy New Year to you ... my dear family, friends and followers!

 

Until soon,

Vic

 

 



I did it!

I got through the first week of work at my new job ... and I didn't:

• Break anything
• Crash any computers
• Screw up anything beyond repair
• Quit
• Cry at work
• Pull ALL my hair out

I got through the first week of work at my new job ... and I can:

• Send email
• Write checks
• Sort of work with Quick Books
• Do a community calendar
• Help with Christmas Festival
• Answer the phone
• Sell movie certificates

This has been one heck of a week ... I thank each and everyone of you for your popping in and reading the wanderings of my lil brain. I felt the strength of your collective prayers ... and I so appreciate that power.

Here's the thing ... I'm not sure I can explain it, but I'll give it my best shot. I just want him to come home now. It's like I'm on a roller coaster and I keeping going round and round, revisiting where I've been. I told my sweet friend, Kar,i today that I just want him home, he can come home now. I miss Doug this week like never before in these 7 months. It will be 7 months on Sunday.

You see Doug would have quietly listened to me. He'd have pretended that I wasn't going on and on and on and on and on at all. He would have given quiet advice. He would have told me, "You can do this!" He would have told me to breathe. He would have just listened. He would have asked the minute I came home, "How'd it go?" Just like he used to ask the kids the minute they got home from a game, "What'd the coach say?" ... He would have cared.

I have that sick to my stomach feeling that I've had for quite some time. I just never quite feel great.  I know this too shall pass ... but sheeeeesh!

So ... I know there are amazing prayer warriors out their, a dear friend whose son was hurt, has been sending out requests for prayers. So prayer warriors, in this season of twinkle and shine, please would you send some prayers for peace in the hearts of me and mine. Give us the ability to find the joy of this holiday season, even in the midst of our loss.

Until soon,
vic

Tis the Season

It's been almost a month since I've been here. Not sure what to say. Perhaps just phrases ... perhaps it will make sense ... perhaps it will clear my mind, and the rest will follow.
Overwhelmed!
In a dark place ...
Tears streaming down my face.
Tired of feeling tired.
Sadness beyond measure some days.
Losing my daddy a little bit at a time.
Feeling strong.
Carrying my share of the load.
Blessed beyond measure with support and love.
Miss the laughter of my kids.
New job, great commute, exciting change, feeling like I'm in the ocean, sink or swim.
Meltdown as the sewer backed up tonight.
Three steps forward, two steps back.
Wish I was a drinking woman :)
Miss someone snoring on the sofa.
Miss how Doug would listen and quietly tell me what I didn't want to hear, but make me hear it.
Tears turn to racking sobs.
Sobs turn to begging God to let me have him back.
My tree is naked, not sure when it will sparkle.
The lights are up outside, but they just don't seem to have the same sparkle as last year.
Need some bows or something pretty outside
Piles of stuff everywhere ... are we worried I'll be a hoarder yet?
Time to pack away cards and plaques and things ...
Dark place, I can see a glimmer at the end of this cold tunnel.
Lonesome.
Miss the intimate touch of someone who adores me. Holding hands, putting cold feet between his calves.
Enjoying a little online Christmas shopping.
Excited to be using the skills I gained in college.
Hard to be the caregiver for a parent.
Miss my sister.
Ready for snow.
Want to clean my house from top to bottom.
The outside is looking pretty good.
Got the bird feeders out and filled.
Time to start walking some more ...

Ok ... so now you know why my brain is so weary. Those are the things I typed in about 10 minutes, while watching tv, making lists of to do's, thinking about tomorrow's schedule, and wondering how I mop up my basement after this mess.

Ready to wake up in a clean house, filled with sparkly ornaments hanging from the tree, and laundry folded in the drawers.

Until soon,
vic

Six Months

I've pondered this post for quite some time ... and to be perfectly honest, who wants to read about the dark place I've been this past month and a half. Having talked with some friends recently, I think that people really do want to know "how I'm doing!" I'm not sure I can put in words how I'm doing, how I'm feeling ... it seems best described as a dark place.

My dark place isn't the dark kind that needs some medication to get through each and every day, it isn't the dark place that makes me want to take up drinking (well not all the time anyway) and it's not the dark sort of place that makes me want to curl up on my bed and never get up. The dark place I've been in is kind of quiet, melancholy, and sad. I miss the companionship, I miss the touch of his hand, I miss so many little things, that it's hard to even explain. Some days the tears are more prevalent than others, and as my book tells me ... I embrace them. I've had some really good cry sessions, I've walked around the house, down to his shop, and just plain old cried.

I've been so very blessed in the past month to spend time with friends and family ... probably way more time with them then they bargained for. I've been surrounded by friends, my kids, my siblings ... working in my basement, garage or garden shed; celebrating my B&B's wedding, celebrating the 30th birthday of April, sitting around the living room and just laughing. And in the midst of each of those work days, celebrations, and visits ... I've felt so lonely, so alone. I've sat quietly thinking about how much fun he'd have had at all of it. Six months and I still think he should just come home now.

You can run from the sadness, you can try and hide from it, I can even manage to walk around and look quite happy ... but at the end of the day I'm still alone. At the end of the day each of us has lost an amazing man, an amazing friend, an amazing daddy, and an amazing, wonderful, sweet husband.

In the past month or two I've found that stage that everyone refers to as the "anger" stage. I've been pretty damn mad at God ... I've searched for answers, tried to have it all make sense, and still find myself wondering how God could "let" this happen. And I know He didn't let it happen, I KNOW He cried with each of us ... But come on ... He's God ... His Son healed the sick, turned water into wine, walked on water and raised Lazarus from the dead ... how is it that He couldn't prevent that accident that made time stand still. And I'm reminded, time and time again, that the promise is that He will always be with us ... and HE is with us, He cries with us, He feels our pain, He understands our anger and sadness ... and He Is with each of us in our sorrow!

So that's a glimpse into an answer to the question, "Vickie, how are you?" I am doing ok, I am well, but I am battling the darkness ... and you know what readers ... I will win. I will be great again. I will be happy again. I will be better than ok. It just will take some time.

I sent an email to family and friends (those whose emails I had) ... and I know I missed a lot of people. I've copied it below ... because yesterday it was SIX MONTHS ... a half a year ... and this is what I wrote:

Today we look back and remember ...
Today is a milestone ...
Today is a sad and lonesome day ...
Today is a day to remember so many blessings ...
Today is a triumphant day
Today is a gift from God
Today is a day when I can say, "I did it."
Today is a day when I should be saying, "WE did it!"
Today for a moment, please remember an amazing, funny, laughable memory of Doug ...
For today marks 6 months of our loss ... but each day things get a little easier (I think and hope)
So for today, remember his smile, his whistle, he work ethic, his ice fishing, his joy of life, his laughter, one of his silly jokes, his Zobel walk, his joy and gift of gab, his love of family and friend, his pride in his kids, his story telling, his beer drinking, his quirky inventive abilities, his "I can fix that" attitude, and any little thing that says Doug.
For today it's time to move forward ...
To think not of what we've lost, but what we've had
To think not of what he'd be doing today, but what he did
To think not of what he'll miss seeing, but what we got to do with him
To think not of heartache, but the joy his life gave each of us
Today ... is six months ... six months of searching for our new normal ... and we've done it well ...
I miss my husband, friend, love, and companion ... just as each of you misses your dad, brother, friend, brother-in-law, and "buddy".
All my love and thanks to each of you for carrying me through thus far ... I could not have accomplished all we've accomplished alone.
With love, affection and deep appreciation,
Vickie and my kids

Until soon,
Vic

Dumpster Filling

It's been awhile ... so much to tell ... so little time ...

This past weekend we had a great time working hard. By we, I don't mean me and the cats, but friends, family and me! I do so love to accomplish things. I feel like I'm going to be all right when I complete some huge task. I feel like this dark path I'm on will lead into some sunshine after all. The past month has been very difficult emotionally. I've had some anger issues (I am grateful I didn't need to use sister, Deb, for therapy on anger management, not yet anyway :) ). And I've struggled with "God's Plan" ... pretty sure this wasn't God's plan, but I do think and know that God is carrying me through this dark moment.

THIS PAST WEEKEND:

Six friends, two family members, and I accomplished much. Are you ready to hear about the greatness? It is amazing what can be accomplished by many hands.There was much laughter, a few tears and as I said, what we got done was amazing. (Leaving out last names to protect the innocent)

Our "cup" runneth over!

Steve, being the logical one, said, "Since we are going to put away outdoor stuff, maybe we should start cleaning out the shed." I'm not sure he had a clue what he was getting into. At this point the dumpster was two-thirds full. We started pulling out everything, bikes, garden junk, mowers, hoes, homemade lawn edgers, and old boat motors. Kari came out to join the fun! She and I thought we should keep something and Steve quickly vetoed it (sometimes). I thought we should throw something, like say a bird feeder, and Steve said, "You can't throw that!" ... We laughed as we kidded each other about who had the power :)

While we were cleaning in the shed, Deb was cleaning all the fans in my house. There are 5 or 6 floor fans and 6 ceiling fans. Not a fun job. Keeping her company in the house (and outside too) was Bill, with his dirty bucket of water as he washed out windowsills. Then the fun began, Bill washed every window in my house. Wow, do they glimmer and shine. He was assisted at times by Kari and Steve.

Mark on the shelf peekin into
the garage rafters.

While Steve, Kari, Deb, Bill, and I were busy with those jobs, Cody got the gross job of cleaning gutters, Jordan was elected to help Mark in the garage. Oh the treasures we found. We mustn't leave out Joan, she helped sweep out the shed, carried much junk to the dumpster, and carried garden pots to the garden, dumped them and put them away for the winter.

In the midst of all this fun, Deb prepared lunch for us all. I'm not sure they were truly the best burgers ever, or if all that work just made us all so hungry. She put out a feast for lunch, we ate to our fill and then some. We were like a well-oiled machine, everyone having a chore to do, everyone laughing and working hard.

After lunch some had to skip off to a party (Joan, notice I didn't say any names on that one), Bill went back to finish windows with the help of Kari and Steve, Deb cleaned up the lunch mess, then headed out to the garage, Cody got my Christmas lights around the house working, Jordan, Mark, Vickie, Kari and Deb ended up in the garage, going through cupboards, corners, and just about everywhere. Goodness my sweet husband was such a "controlled hoarder" as Deb called it. Mark played chemist as he dumped old oil, gunk, and stuff in a container to dispose of. Joan and Kari swept and swept and swept and swept. There's one pile of stuff for the kids to sort through, one pile for the junk man, and lots of clean areas for the car to fit.

Back side of the dumpster junk!

When the windows were done Steve and Bill went to work on new locks and handle on the door. Along with a peephole, that works much better when you put the pretty side out ... right Bill? Ha! The broken windows were loaded up somewhere and are getting fixed, the broken window in the garage is replaced, and the fountain is covered and in the shed.

WE ACCOMPLISHED so much in 8 little hours one Saturday. I am blessed to have such amazing friends and family. I am thankful for the spirit of love, help and generosity. I am grateful I didn't need to do it all myself, I'd still be in the shed. There was so much knowledge and ability in one day ... As you can see by the dumpster picture there was also so much useless JUNK. Feels good to more in control of what is out there.

Until Soon,
Vic

A Giggle for you

A little glimpse into how my poor brain works ...

I sent this email out at work this morning to family and friends ... thought perhaps my faithful readers might like to see how my brain works sometimes! (Warning, there is a curse word or two in here)
This is what I sent out:

Good Morning All,

Thought you might enjoy a little peek into my life these days (well just yesterday and today).

• Wednesday, 5 p.m. – Pulled into the alley, see a huge amount of dust, think for a brief moment, what the heck! Pull up to my yard, see John Brighton, mulching my mountain of leaves. Pulls at my heartstrings just a bit, as that is generally where I found Doug at the end of the day in the fall.

• Wednesday, 5:30 – Start emptying pots and containers outside … such a sense of accomplishment.

• Wednesday, 10ish p.m. – Messaging with April on the phone just a little bit … both of us exhausted and not yet unpacked from the amazing wedding weekend.

• Wednesday, 10:41 p.m. – DOORBELL RINGS – yep, you guessed it, I froze in the chair, if I pretend it’s not happening it’s not … RIGHT? … WRONG

• Wednesday, 10:42 p.m. – Peek out front window, doorbell rings again, go out back, see a van in the alley, don’t know the vehicle.

• Wednesday, 10:43 p.m. – Strain to see out back, to see who’s at the door, can’t see, go and BRAVELY open the door, cell phone in hand. NO one THERE!

• Wednesday, 10:44 p.m. – Heart racing, hand on open door, doorbell rings again  … I walk SLOWLY to the front door, can’t see because it’s dark, flip on light, peer through window at the landing. Some lady is standing there. I open door, she tells me I’m parked in front of her garage, she’s renting from the neighbor.

• Wednesday, 10:45 p.m. – Go outside in my robe, tennis shoes, move car, and hope the cold night air will jump start my heart that is pounding.

• Wednesday, 10:51 p.m. – Sitting in chair, major meltdown, oh yes, MAJOR … quite amusing even to myself. Because who’s going to save me from the boogie mans now, who’s going to answer the door in the middle of the night (yeah it rings so often), who’s going to find the flashlight when the electricity goes out, who’s going to be my protector and hero … oh yeah, I was a great mess … seriously, you have to giggle, because it is kind of funny the dither I got myself worked up into!

• Wednesday, 11:30 p.m. – Make decision to ask Steve to put a peep hole on front door as well as back door.

• Wednesday, 1:11 a.m. – Shut off light, put down phone, and hope sleep overtakes the OVER-ACTIVE imagination!

This brings us to Thursday … yes today!

• Thursday, 6:45 – Shut off alarm, roll over go back to sleep

• Thursday, 7:00 – Must have shut off second alarm, go back to sleep (not on purpose)

• Thursday, 7:30 – SHIT … I’ve overslept

• Thursday, 8:32 – Walk out the door, cute, but still very late!

• Thursday, 8:32.5 – SHITTTTTTTTTTTTT … I don’t have my car keys, they are inside, along with my HOUSE KEYS, PANIC PANIC PANIC … if only I’d listened to Steve and hid a key so I could get back into the house … dang dang dang … I hate admitting someone is right, I’m wrong, much less a MAN!

• Thursday, 8:34 or 8:35 – Another little bit of what I like to refer to as a MELTDOWN

• Thursday, 8:36ish – Kicking myself, trying to decide what to do … hit the door in frustration … and IT OPENS … Uh huh … that door doesn’t always pull shut.

• Thursday, 8:37 – In car, thinking I’m going to be OK

• Thursday, 9:04 – In work parking lot, in car, putting keys safely in purse … NO PHONE … second time in one month … NO PHONE … not sure if it’s still on the bed, in the bathroom, on the counter, in the fridge, perhaps in the bread drawer … but it’s NOT with ME!

• Thursday, 10:00 a.m.  – done confessing … I do feel much better, whew!

Hope you all had a great laugh, a few giggles, and a little glimpse into the life of Vickie … hmmmmmm what’s the saying when someone has it easy, “You live the life of Riley” … well I have a new phrase … when life is good, but there are huge bumps and U-turns, “Hmmmmm, you live the life of Vickie.

Hope you have a fabulous day … I know mine is on its way to being BETTER!

Until Soon,
Vic

Five Months

It's been five months today ...
In those five months we've experienced the lowest of lows, the saddest of sads, the happiest of happies, and every emotion in between.
In five months I've:

• Learned of a strength I didn't know I possessed
• Experienced a panic attack for the first time
• Cried more than I thought humanly possible
• Missed him more the past 3 or 4 weeks than I thought possible
• Figured out the new evening times

BUT in five months I've:

• Stopped counting weeks (about 3 or 4 weeks ago) ... I remember counting days, then weeks ... now I just thought about it today, it's 5 months today.
• Watched NCIS, Castle, and a few other shows that have violence in them (I was frightened to do that before)
• Put on about 6,000 miles on my car ... all by myself
• Lost almost 40 pounds (in a healthy way)

AND in five months I've:

• Been amazed at the friends who have been there at every turn
• Been overwhelmed by the generosity of people ... because they can
• Been blessed with an abundance of help, love, cards and prayers
• Been shocked that "I'm ok" ... not great, sometimes good, but truly OK
• Been challenged by God's "plan" ... for He does have a plan for me, plans to prosper and not harm

AND in five months I've had you, my blog readers, lifting me up in prayer, sending me messages of support, and truly blessing me in ways I never dreamed of.  SOOOOOOOOOO blog readers ... what would you like to see on this page, this site? DO you have questions? Do you have thoughts that could spur me to write? Do you have some blog ideas for me? I love blogging, but not sure where this is going.

Here's some ideas I have ...

• Wedding NEWSSSSSSSSSSSS ... my son married his beautiful, stunning, best friend ... and she is truly a perfect fit
• Intention ... with intention we included Doug in the celebrations
• Stages of grief ... not really a stage, more of a journey up a mountain road, filled with switchbacks
• Quilting anyone?

Leave a comment or two ... let me know what you think.

Someone said on Doug's birthday, can you imagine your first birthday party in heaven. Wow, thank you Leslie. But I've also thought, can you imagine how crazy Doug must be making God ... can't you hear him saying, "I can fix that!" Missing you sweet love of mine ...

Until soon,
Vic

Tears

Tears ... I have to say they seem to flow rather easy these days. I've thought a lot about tears ... I even looked up the word "tear" in Webster's.com and I copied and pasted it below:

1: a drop of clear saline fluid secreted by the lacrimal gland and diffused between the eye and eyelids to moisten the parts and facilitate their motion

2: a transparent drop of fluid or hardened fluid matter (as resin)

3 plural: an act of weeping or grieving <broke into tears>

 

I have to say I don't think that Webster, whom I usually trust implicitly, has a clue as to how to define tears. Yes they are water, a clear saline fluid, but what I wanted to know is why when I'm sad, they flow like a water faucet. Why when we laugh uncontrollably, do we laugh until we cry? Why, when a baby is hungry do the tears flow? The three emotions are all different ... and I just wonder why Webster's didn't define it in a different way.

 

The three emotions are total opposite ends of the spectrum, grief and laughter. We all know that a baby's cry is its only way to communicate.

 

My ramblings are really just heading in the direction of the total loss of control over the tears that fall. Six months ago, I wasn't one who would cry easily, now I swear I can almost cry on demand. Sunday morning kissing little Lena (my grand dog) goodbye, I broke into tears. Turned around, my daughter's arms around me, and I cried even harder. The lonesomeness overwhelming me. I pulled myself together, went to Salem to church, listening to the praise band singing, the tears ran. Walking out of church, a friend hugging me, knowing I wasn't good, but asked anyway. Tears running! Listening to a Josh Groban song today, his music so peaceful and beautiful, the tears running.

 

I'm miffed at the tears ... I'm miffed that they flow so easily ... I'm miffed that I don't seem to be in control of them. And then I laugh!

 

Yes ... I laugh ... because that's just it. I am not in control.

 

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord. 'Plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you a future and hope.'" Jeremiah 29:11

 

I have clung to those words from the Bible, I have said them almost daily as I find my way through this storm. I know that Jesus and his holy father, wept the day that time stood still. I have said those words as my kids ask me what I'm going to do. I have said those words to those who find me to be strong. I have played and sang the song written by Nancy Farndale, talented musician from Waldorf College, based on those words, and I have found solace in those words. I have spat out those words, in a frustrated, sad, angry conversation to God.

 

Now I know most of you know I'm a faith-filled woman, I am proud to be able to stand in the pulpit filling in for pastors now and again, and I do believe. I don't mean for this to be a sermon, but there are so many who wonder how I'm doing, how I am getting through, and I say I'm doing OK, and when they respond, "We're still praying for you, or thinking of you." I tell them that I can feel it ... that I can't imagine doing this on my own, without the strength of God lifting me up and carrying me through.

 

Tears ... they are far more than saline fluid ... they are emotion in liquid form. Whether it's a baby's tears because of hunger or need, a person's tears from laughing so hard, or the tears of grief that grips your heart and squeezes it hard ... tears can be summed up and described as emotion in its liquid form.

 

Until soon,

Vic

Sigh ...

Sigh ... a sigh can say so much, speak so loud ... without even using one single sylable, word, or phrase.

Four months ago today ... our lives turned upside down. We stopped breathing for what seems like a week. I lost my husband, friend, companion, hero, sweetheart, lifemate and love, and the father of my babies ... that feels like the greatest and hardest part of my loss ... not my, I guess I should say our loss. Looking back on those four months ... sighhhhhhh.

The days are getting shorter and the nights are getting longer ... the darkness of the house isn't something I like. I've changed the decor a little, I've thought about some new lamps or lights to make the house a bit brighter. The thought of winter is heavy on my heart and brain. Leave the house in the dark and come home to the dark. I would frequently arrive home to the garage open, the snow shoveled, and something started for dinner. In the mornings, if there was a snow the night before, there was always a path to the garage for me. The thought of a winter without Doug is hard to imagine ... Sigh ...

In four months I've watched my babies (all of whom are over 21) grieve the loss of their father, daddy, friend, coach, handyman, joketeller, and go-to-guy. There's no replacing their daddy, how do I tell them that it will be ok. How does Brandon plan and celebrate one of the most joyous days of his life? Who does April call when her Hawkeyes have had a great game? Who does Nolan chat with about his beloved Twins? When the kids arrive home, looking for a beer and a campfire, there's an important guy missing. When Brandon is ready to build his fence or back deck, there's an important guy missing. When I arrive at the kid's houses ... I feel like I'm in a missing man formation, and it takes my breath away. Watching the three people that I love more than life itself hurt so much, knowing their hearts are broken, knowing that some days it's hard to just take a breath, knowing there's a lifetime of memories that he will not be a part of ... Sigh ...

In four months I've had some good days ... I've had ups and downs. I've sat in the car on a beautiful Saturday morning in KC, listening to the radio and burst into tears. I've sat at a few wedding receptions and as the father of the bride or groom stands and talks, I've barely been able to breathe. I've driven lots and lots and lots of miles alone ... and it's been ok ... but I have thought about what if I have car trouble. I've taken down gutters and rehung them ... wooohoooo! I've gotten little Sigma (the cat) to like me. I've had some good days and some bad days ... sigh ...

Today, as I putzed around the house ... I was visiting with Deb and it dawned on me that today is the 4 month mark, I had counted 16 weeks. I was sad for a split second, because I've been counting days, then weeks, then months, and today was a good day and for a bit I wasn't "grieving". But for the other half of that split second, I was proud to have stopped counting the days that he's been gone and I've thought a lot about the memories of a lifetime with Doug:

• Orlando - our family vacation that Brandon and April took us all on
• Fishing trips - and his patience with all of us
• Football games - as I walked into a JV game a few weeks ago ... I thought of how he loved checking out "the guys" each year
• Bonfires - He was the life of the party ... "It's A Miracle" and "Edzachary"
• The leaves - he'd have already gotten the mower ready and sucked up the few leaves we have on the ground ... always busy.
• Driving on trips - I was far better at sleeping as my "chauffer" drove
• Quiet evenings watching tv - we rarely ever argued about what was on tv ... we just watched what the person who was in the room was watching ... yes, even Hallmark.
• Fishing - his ice stands and the memories he must have with his friends and how excited he was about creathing The Ice Stand
• Projects - Every corner of the house has a project that Doug built, invented, or was in the process of finishing

The pictures show just a few of the memories ...

• Doug in a boat
• Doug hanging Christmas lights - look close at what those lights are hanging from
• I wanted luminaries, so he cut milk jugs for me. We used them on Christmas Eve. We lined the path for our newly engaged son and his love.
• The bean bag set he made for the Zobel Reunion.

Fishing ... I could fill the page with pictures ... but the picture of him and Dave ... one of his favorite afternoons in the past few years.

Four months ... and I'm doing ok. I haven't done a very good job of remembering that others are grieving too. This man that I met when I was fifteen years old touched the lives of so many people. People who miss him, people who grieve, people who have memories of one amazing man. And their grief, their memories, they all help to heal, for it reminds me of the life of a wonderful friend, neighbor, work friend, cousin, brother, brother-in-law, inventor, father, and husband. Today it's been four short months ... our world hasn't righted, but it is at least still on it's access. We were so damn lucky to have had him for each and every moment we did. We must remember those moments, cherish them and relive them. For he helped to mold and shape each of us, in one way or another.

Love you Douglas ... and I miss you more than my meager words can convey. I heard the cardinal today, and I know that you are there, watching over each of us. You left far too soon ... but I know that you are soaring, and our tears are your tears as you watch from above.

With deep love and a heavy sigh ...

vic

Weak within my Strength

It's been a while, but I've pondered the words for this post for a long time. I have had so many of you talk about how "strong" I am and I want to say, "Nah, I'm just me." Please know that I appreciate your kindess, I feel like I represent it, but I feel like I have to be honest, especially for those of you who are going through or have gone through the same tragic experience that I've endured the past 15 weeks.

STRONG - yes, I am strong! yes, I believe that God has a plan! yes, I am working full time! yes, I've returned to the pulpit to preach! yes, I am doing well! yes, I travel alone to see the kids! yes, I write about all the accomplishments I've done! yes, I have gone through his clothes! yes, I laugh and giggle and smile, almost every day! yes, I open the garage door every single day and say, "It's just a garage"! yes, I go into the basement to his shop and dig for things I need! and yes, I do feel strong fifty percent of the time.

BUT - Little do you know the things that can bring me to my knees. Little do you know the times when I use almost a half of a box of tissues. Little do you know that I get angry when people don't share their grief and sadness with me. Little do you know how much I miss Doug on Sunday nights. Little do you know when my babies miss their daddy it hurts my heart the most. Little do you know that in the quiet of the evening most Sundays I am tear filled, nose blowing, down right sad.

AND - Sometimes the lonesome quietness of my house is DEAFENING. Sometimes I stand in the garage and I ask out loud, "What the hell were you thinking!???" Sometimes I wonder if I can really do this on my own, I've been a part of Team Zobel for 33 years! Sometimes when the phone rings, I really don't want to talk to another living soul, I just want to be on my own, figuring this out. Sometimes I really think this is all about me me me ... and I forget the grief of others who lost this amazing man. Sometimes I'm mad (maybe not mad, perhaps more whiney) at my kids, as I go about figuring things out, feeling alone and wondering if they know how hard this is for me. Sometimes I get angry at myself for thinking ALL of the above. Sometimes I ask my sister, the honest to God goodness therapist, "Do I need help? Grief counseling?" Sometimes I will drive to work, tears running, because it's another day without him in it. Sometimes I wonder if I KNEW how much I loved that man and I get angry at myself for sucking as a wife. Sometimes I touch his coat and I know I'm going to be ok.

WEAK - How does one define weakness? Are any of the above thoughts or feelings weak? I think some are. I feel the weakest when I see my kids the saddest. I feel the deepest ache when I think about their birthdays, their projects that need fixing, their special days. I feel an incredible pain sometimes when I think about Brandon's wedding day in 5 short weaks ... Doug would have been the proudest man there. As I looked through their beautiful engagment pictures, I cried at each new picture ... the beauty and happiness depicted and Doug isn't here to see it all. Each Wednesday I've thought about that horrible moment when time stood still and I couldn't breathe, thinking in my head how do I tell my babies ... how how how! I pray each night that God will give me peaceful slumber, that what I saw will never flash in my head again. Each Friday, if I'm alone, I think about the 400 plus people who came to my last "date" with Doug, hugging, crying, shaking their heads. I think of all of the things we've all been through the last almost 4 months and I think, whewwwww I'm a third of the way through that "first year" ... measuring time. That seems weak to me, stop measuring time and start living life!

There's not a right or wrong to grieving. I'm not one to sit and stew. I'm not patient with my tears some days. I think about how Doug lived his life, full of "it", pulling tricks, whistling like a bird, talking to strangers, and thinking about the next time the kids are home. So it is with intent that I think about life, that I move forward, that I think about the future, that I plan to live out some of our dreams, that I smile in spite of my aching heart. I'm not strong, I'm just so very blessed with:

• Amazing kids ... who love me in spite of my blonde brain
• Amazing friends ... who love me in spite of my neediness
• Amazing church family ... who pray for me in spite of my absence from the pew
• Amazing kids ... did I mention my kids ... they are a lifeline, pulling me out of the deep end
• Amazing family ... always there with an ear, a hand and generally a mouth (you know we Thompsons like to give advice and talk alot!!!)
• Amazing extended family ... who pray for my peace and think of me constantly
• Amazing faith .... yes it is amazing. Because I'm quite certain that the good Lord has carried me the past 15 weeks, especially when I stumble and fall.

I am weak, strong, sad, mad, happy, glad, silly, smart and ok ... I am ok ... not great, not good, but I really am O K!

Until soon,
vic

The Journey Continues

It's been a couple of weeks since I last pondered and wandered. I celebrated our anniversary with the Zobel family, at a Zobel Family Reunion. I was with all my kids, Doug's amazing Aunt and Uncle, cousins, and his nephew. I was hugged by all, held close when I was weary, laughed with many, ate some great food, and shared a lot of amazing memories. All in all ... a really great weekend.

The Journey ... Sometimes I wonder where this journey will lead me. I know some of you are aghast that I would even be thinking about "the future" ... most think I should be getting through day by day (and trust me some days thar's all I can do). I've told many that I am not a patient woman, I don't tolerate my "woe is me" attitude very well, I've chosen to try to smile more each day then I shed tears, and I've started to look at pictures of the man I miss, that was a big step.

I've had so many people tell me, "It will take a year." "You must wait a year." "Don't do anything for a year." And I think it's ok advice ... no panicking, I'm not going to run naked through the streets, sell my house, shave my head or move to California. But I have to say that that advice is good to a point, but what makes a year such a magic number? I know that a year gets a person through a lot of firsts. I know that firsts are horrible hard ... shoot, I looked at the Christmas lights hanging from the house and started crying.

With that said, just like we all physically heal differently, I am certain that each person heals differently emotionally. And I've thought a lot about it.

• I don't have a star on my calendar on May 9th, 2013, to mark the date that I can "make decisions"; but I'm still counting the weeks ... it's 13 weeks and 1 day.
• I don't have plans to sell the house, but I am thoughtful about how I will handle all there is to do to remain here.
• I don't have plans to move, but I have thought seriously about being closer to my kids. It's so hard to have them all 5 hours away :(
• I don't have plans to date anyone, but I do hope that someday I will have a companion again, someone to love and someone to love me and mine.
• I don't have plans for a new job, but I do have thoughts and ideas ... some not so smart :)
• I don't have plans to shave my head, I promised April that would be a full blown vote from the Board of Directors (my kids), but I am sporting a new cut and a whole lot of color (yikes)

A dear friend emailed me today, "How are you?" So I told him, "I'm ok." But I went on and on with the truth of the matter. And his response back to me was amazing, it's exactly where I am. Here is what the email said, "We talked about this segment of time approaching following losing Doug when you would be faced with a new reality; the time in general when the transition begins to turn to Chapter 2 of Vickie’s life …. and a new level of adjustment without him, one step beyond the past number of months." And that's exactly where I am I think ... my Journey is on Chapter 2, maybe Chapter 3.

Chapter 1 - The unexpected tragedy, the loss, and the rote ways of life
Chapter 2 - All the busyness of tying up loose ends, finding my way through
Chapter 3 - Life without him, the quiet house, the broken lawnmower, and being alone

I didn't like chapter one when I was in it, it really sucked, but I survived. I really didn't like chapter two in this journey that I didn't sign up for, but I grew stronger. And so I know as much as I hate chapter three, the current chapter, I will continue to grow stronger, I will continue to find my way and I will seek God's guidance and strength, it's gotten me thus far.

That's where my wanderings are this evening ... one step at a time, moving forward, and finding small joys in life.

Until soon,
vic

Our Wedding Anniversary

This is the day, 33 years ago, at age 18 that I took my vows with my friend, the man who made me laugh and the man who loved me and I him, in the only way we knew how. And this is the day that for 12 weeks I've been dreading and worrying about "getting through".

We've never been a couple who celebrated it big, but we celebrated it together. Just last year we sat on the deck, eating a lovely grilled dinner ... we sat there for hours talking and planning his dream, getting The Ice Stand into production. He was so excited, animated, and thought filled. Cautious on every turn, every figure, every process ... it was just his nature. Sometimes driving us all crazy with his cautious ways.

This year I will be in Nebraska at the Zobel Family Reunion on our wedding anniversary ... one of his most favorite days of the year. Some people look forward to Christmas, Doug looked forward to his family reunion. His kids will all be there, this is one of the few things that he ever "asked" of them. He and Kevin would be connected at the hip, or he could be seen harrassing Michelle, Stacy or Melissa. And perhaps one of his favorite memories of last year, was of Jeff Cole, his sister's son, coming to the reunion from Texas. And he would get to see his Uncle Floyd and Aunt Lois, his sister Pat and so many cousins! Family was so important to Doug, and this was his weekend with his family ... and now he's not going to be there.

I thought about not going this year, because I'm a Thompson, not a Zobel. The Zobel part of me is gone. I shared this feeling with my daughter, and a little bit with Michelle. "The Zobel's are "HIS" family ... I sort of feel like I don't belong." The response was loud and clear, you ARE a Zobel, always will be. I've been a Zobel for 33 of my 51 years, and actually 3 years prior to that.

I'd be lying if I didn't tell you that it will be a difficult day ... I almost can't breathe already, just thinking about it. The number of hugs I will get to share, the tears that will flow, and knowing that I will look for him and Kevin outside at the bag toss ... and he won't be there. There's something so terribly wrong about that. But I WILL be with the kids, I WILL be with people who love me, and I WILL do this for him, on our day!

"If I Had Only Known" is a song that I think we've all heard, but I heard it 10 weeks after Doug died at the funeral of a young man. And I've thought about the song for two weeks. In memory of the man I loved, in honor of the men and women you all love, click on the name of the song, there's a link to this beautiful song on YouTube. When you go to bed at night, kiss your spouse and tell them you love them, don't take that simple action for granted. Because If I Had Only Known I would have held him close that morning at 6 a.m.

Happy Anniversary to my friend, my love, and my man ... wish you were here!

until soon,
vic

Strength & Weakness

I've heard from so many people about how strong they perceive me to be. I think I am strong, I think I put on a good face of being strong, and I do truly hold tight to my faith. So I've shared my strongest moments, I write from the heart, and I ramble from somewhere even deeper. Well this weekend I was weak, had moments of strength, but truly felt so very alone and weak.

Friday afternoon my dear friend, Joan, and I worked on a quilt ... I took a break from the quilting, and went outside to water the plants and flowers. As I was watering I looked up to the roof, saw the Christmas lights, and the tears started, "He's not going to be here this year" and so I finished the watering with tears streaming down my face. Back in the house I decided to work on the quilt a little bit longer, while watching the Opening Ceremonies of the 2012 Olympics. Again, the flood gates opened, because Doug had been looking so forward to the Olympics, and he's not here. As I finished up the quilt, reminded that this was a quilt that Doug had picked out a number of years ago, the physical ache and flood of tears seemed to overtake me.



Courthouse Steps, pattern by Glad Creations
Fabrics are Batiks, and it's a quilt that Doug had picked out.

  My sister, Deb, called the next morning and I told her that it was a different kind of ache, a different kind of sadness, than what has been ever present the past 11 weeks, this was a loving, deep, aching loss ... I miss him more each and every day.  This ache wasn't that piercing pain that came those first weeks, trying to comprehend that he had died. This was an ache, a sadness, because this is real ... he really isn't coming home. So, as I cried and cried, I decided to put to a test something a therapist had told me, "You have to stop crying eventually, because you will have to pee." Sooooooooooo ... as I sat in the bathroom peeing, I wanted to call my sister and say "I'm still crying!!!!!" And that actually made me giggle and the crying subsided.

I've read all your comments in the past three or four posts ... and you've all brought me such comfort, brought me some food for thought! Time will heal, but even when you heal from surgery, there is a scar left behind, and Cindy said, that that scar is a reminder. So as I heal, the pain in my heart is a reminder of a great love, of a life filled with laughter, and a life so very blessed by one of the best men I know.

God has a plan for me ... and all I need to do right now is trust, have faith in the one who holds me close.

Until soon,
vic

P.S. I know that some of you will not agree that it is a "weakness" ... I don't think so either, but it is a contrast and comparison. :)

A Job Well Done

Back on May 22nd I posted about the memory garden we have on the south side of the garage, if you go back to this post about a good day, you will see a picture of the garden and the backdrop is my garage. It was so in need of paint. On June 26 I think, two very amazing friends gave up an entire day to help me. I'm not sure that Joan or Kari knew what they were getting into, I know I sure didn't!

Joan and I started around 9 a.m. scraping ... not my favorite job. Kari came over around noon after she finished work (I don't think she wanted to scrape ... ha ha ha). Then came the primer, really not my favorite part of the project. We especially didn't like the primer when we began painting and realized we still had to do two coats of paint to cover the light blue primer.



Think it needed to be painted?



Now, not that I'm tattling or anything, but I got called sloppy by a certain someone, and it wasn't Kari. Gosh we giggled over my lack of skills! And you know, that lack of skills, got me out of a lot of painting the last 30 some years ... but not that day.



Joan - Inspector General!

Three women scraped, primed, painted (mostly two coats), took off the gutters, scrubbed them, and put them back up ... yes with POWER TOOLS! It was hard work, very hard, it was exhilarating, empowering and bittersweet to finish a project that Doug and I had planned to do.

I don't have a picture of Kari, but again, not tattling, but I think she might have wore more paint than me that day ... and I wore a lot. Joan didn't wear any, well except for the little bit I dripped on her ... show-off!

And as the day closed, exhausted and feeling like we had conquered the world ... we three women grilled some chicken, opened a bottle of wine, and enjoyed a short visit!



Finishing up the gutters, yes, we three women hung the gutters back up and they are still up there!
Doesn't it look nice? I sure think so!

Thank you Joan Krull and Kari Wagner ... what a fun day ~ love you both!

Until soon,
vic

Haves and Have Nots

First I HAVE to thank each of you who sent me private messages or left posts on the last post. Truly this is just my wanderings and if by some miracle I soothe your soul, touch your heart, heal your hurt, or make you laugh ... it's just the frosting on the cake. Thank you to all who have started reading my wanderings ... some day I hope it's about joy, happiness, and great days.

The title for this post has been running through my head this week. As each day I try so very hard to find peace, joy or blessings. I think that some days it would be far easier to just pout, sit and stew and embrace the sadness that overcomes us at the strangest times. One day I decided to think about all the things that I HAVE, to count my blessings and these are some things that I pondered on:

I have not got a husband any longer, but I HAVE the most amazing gifts from that man ... our three children. We have not been able to say that there is great joy in our lives, but WE HAVE found joy in little moments, like a new girlfriend, a trip to Portland, new vehicles, or the most simple, best memory of my almost two week vacation to see all three kids this past month ... I got to lay in bed and HAVE slumber parties with each of my kids. I would go to bed, and one or two would come and lay with me and we'd just talk, they'd bid me good night, give me a strong hug and go off to bed ... I treasure those moments.

I have not got my kids close by, but I HAVE a great family. I HAVE my oldest sister who is my traffic helicopter, she was in BlackHawk down mode the first 2 weeks, swooping in and taking out anyone who was a "danger" to her sissy, and now she just hovers and makes sure that there aren't any "snags". I HAVE a brother-in-law who's a hero and takes care of dead bats and putting up locks. I HAVE my older sister who calls, takes care of my house, cats and plants when I'm away, and is always there. I HAVE my older brother who is more than willing to mow, if only we'd get some rain :(

I have not figured out my new normal, but I HAVE been blessed with the most amazing group of people on the planet. This small town that we often complain about, "knowing everyone's business", has some of the most giving people that I could imagine. Truly supporting and loving me in the absence of my kids. I'd list all that they do, but the list is endless.

I have not figured out God's plan, but I HAVE felt his love and presence. When I sat at the funeral of John Larson, I again wondered why. I watched the deep sadness of those surrounding me and I wondered how can this happen, how could there be so much sadness. Then I remembered God's promise, he didn't promise a life without pain, but he did promise to be with me, to carry me through, no matter what comes my way. He promised that I'd never be alone ...

I have not figured out what's next, but I HAVE realized that each day brings more strength, I HAVE a stronger ability to move forward, and I HAVE a future, even thought I must be patient. I do know that God has a plan for me, plans to prosper and not harm ... and I grip that lifeline with all my might.

To be totally honest, my brain is like a pin ball in a rattling machine. This is where my thoughts are tonight:

• I wish that I had known week 10 and 11 were going to be this hard, the tears are never far
• Phone calls, texts, facebook messages, and cards ... I HAVE been blessed with it all and it truly soothes my soul
• I HAVE been back at the sewing machine ... it has felt so good to quilt and I missed it
• I HAVE enjoyed and felt empowered by doing my own lawn, doing big projects that Doug and I had planned
• It felt good just 8 words ago to say his name
• I HAVE returned to some Lay Preaching and it has been a blessing
• I HAVE the dress for the wedding ... YAY!!!
• I HAVE gone to the first of a few bridal showers for Brandon and Blair
• I HAVE a daddy, and that is such a bonus, but he needs our prayers as he fights some big old bleeding ulcers
• I miss Doug ... his laughter, his infectious smile, his ability to fix anything, his chatter about hits kids, his snoring, his mere presence and his love. On my 51st birthday a few weeks ago, I thought about "parking" with him on my 16th birthday ... 34 years of birthdays with him wasn't quite enough.

I think there are far more HAVES than have nots in this post ... I am blessed and we are 11 weeks out, and we are going to be ok, we just need to breathe through the pain and let time heal.

until soon,
vic

A Test of Faith

Yesterday started out so "normal" ... then my sweet friend called, the news of a young man's death heavy on her heart. His wife, Tressa, my daughter's friend and classmate. My thoughts are a jumble, my heart aches for her, her children, his mother, their family ... but selfishly, I also am pulled back to 10 weeks ago. The feelings so raw, just below the surface.

Today I kept thinking about what Tressa's probably doing, but her job a little harder with three young babies at home. How does a mom help daddies little girl or daddies little man understand? At 50 it was hard to think about funeral plans, the service, visitation, and all that it entails, how does a 29 year old find her way. She shouldn't have to.

There's been so much tragedy ... it's tested my faith. The questions that surface: If God has a plan, why would this accident happen? If God has power, how could my kids, Tressa's kids, be without their daddy? If God knows when our time is up, why would he leave some of the miserable (bad) people on this planet, and take a kind, strong, amazing man? Is God's plan for me to be alone? Is God's plan for a 29 year old to find her way alone, parenting 3 young children? I have faith, I believe that God has plans for me, plans to prosper and not harm me ... I do believe it, I preach it ... but I struggle with it too.

God understands our pain, he's felt it. Thank goodness for his amazing grace as I find my way through this. My heart is aching for Tressa and her children ... the hardest part of my 10 weeks is watching my children greive and know I have no way to help them.

Praying for peace, understanding, and patience as I travel this unknown path.

Until soon,
vic

Frustrations, Funnies, Friends and Family

Here we are ... 2 months, 4 days out ... it's been 9 weeks and one day ... and thus far:

• Frustrations -
• I can plan for the big things that will hurt my heart, but it's all the little things that I can't prepare for, like the commercial on tv just now for the Summer Olympics. Bring on the tears ... Doug loved the Olympics.
• Figuring out how to go from a team to a person of one and get things done ... plus I still move on a little slower pace and have trouble staying focused.
• Finding things that I am looking for ... Doug could put his finger on it in an instant
• Funnies -
• Telling jokes that he would tell ...
• Catching myself putting the milk in the cereal cupboard
• Standing on a ladder, drill in hand, hanging gutters, and dodging a wasp
• Friends -
• Painting, cleaning closets, putting in air conditioners, washing my huge comforter, detailing cars
• Texts weekly, emails, invites for girls nights, phone calls, cards and notes
• Planning, arranging, helping with things that are beyond me
• I'd name them all ... but I'd forget someone and that would hurt my heart. I love each of you more than you know!
• Family -
• My neices and nephews, great neices and nephews ... trekking across the nation to come home and spend time in Iowa, not for me, for their Dad and Momma Deb ... but spent part of their day helping me today ... it was a glorious afternoon. The plants are all planted, the yard is ready for The Jube :)
• My sisters and brother and brother-in-law have been rocks ... always lending a hand when I need, mowing, cat watching, plant watering, bat killing, lock installing, to name just a few tasks. Sometimes just "helicoptering" to make sure that everything is "ok".
• My Poppy ... my dad has a heavy heart, but is coming around, has a few more smiles ... we pray that God keeps him healthy for a good long while
• My Kids ... I am so very blessed. Brandon & Blair, Nolan and April ... sometimes just a text can make my day, a phone call, or letting me spend 3 to 5 nights at their home. I always get those big huge hugs, going out of their way to spend time together ... They are amazing adults.

I've quilted a little ... and some day hope that this post has more about quilting, but for now ... this is where I can journal, jot down happenings, and keep my thoughts. Read if you like ...

What a great day ... God reminding me of my many, many blessings!
Until soon,
vic

A Good Day

Tomorrow morning it will be two weeks. It seems like yesterday in some ways, but in others it seems like a lifetime. And today was a good day!

• I didn't feel quite as ill as I have the last two weeks
• I didn't forget to go to an appointment
• I didn't go to far off task (well OK maybe that's not true)
• I did till in the garden
• I did feel like I accomplished some things (even if the list doesn't have many check marks)
• I did feel the continual love of friends as they stopped by :)
• I know that there will still be very dark days
• I know that Nolan was a huge part of my good day (he worked hard on a little garden, picture below)
• I know that keeping busy and physical exercise are the best medicine



A little memory garden ... IGNORE the garage, it is going to get painted.
This is Nolan's handiwork!



A dear and valued friend shared this with me a week and a half ago ... "Shine in me, Shine on me, but most important Lord, Shine through me!" I've hung onto those words with a doubled fist as I've questions God, questioned faith, sat through a sermon on Sunday about praying with purpose, praying fervently ... and today, well today I felt the Son shine on me, in me, and I hope through me.

Until soon,



Vic

A New Normal

Oh goodness ... one never knows the road set before us, and I certainly never thought I'd be on this path. My faithful readers (yes, all four of you readers) my goal of this blog, is perhaps journal like, filled with quilting, fun, kids, and life. Life isn't always quarter inch seams and family success. As you all know, our hearts took a screeching halt two weeks ago tomorrow. My kind and sweet husband died of a tragic accident. A dear friend wrote a note to my kids and described the past weeks very poignantly, "The moment that time stood still." That moment was more than a week and now we begin a new moment.

In that moment, when Doug reached for Jesus' hand, we, my kids and I, began our own kind of hell. The emotions of disbelief, anger, and denial ran smack dab into sadness, and the inability to understand the overwhelming generosity of a community who surrounded us and held us at our weakest moments. When I've spoke with others who have lost loved ones, for me a spouse, I would say, "I can only imagine ... " Wrong, I never imagined "this"!

Words cannot begin to express the gratitude and appreciation that we have for whatever deed you rendered to our family. From those first horrible minutes to offers of help and assistance in the future ... every step of the way we have felt your love, friendship, guidance and support. We have had kitchen fairies, tissue holders, water fetchers, food bearers, crying buddies, dog washers, dog walkers and runners, gutter cleaners, garden hoers, idle chatters, hug givers and support to stand and walk. How can we ever thank you ... each and every one of you for support, cards, gifts, flowers and food. My daughter said we must pay it forward in whatever small and minute way we can. So pay it forward we will try.

Until soon,
vic

I'm Back

I wonder how many times in the life of this blog I will say, "I'm Back" ... I think I've said it a time or two already ... I'm positive I'll say it a time or two again ... I have good intentions, I enjoy writing, I even have some great ideas. I do think one might diagnose my probelm as "Execution"!

So my excuse this time is just plain busy with the kids.

We got Brandon and Blair moved into their new home, what a lovely home it will be. It has four bedrooms, lots of space, a nice yard and it will be a wonderful place to start their life together.

Graduation weekend ... the pictures below are a few snapshots from Nolan's graduation from Simpson College, April 28, 2012. Grandpa, Aunt Deb and Barb drove down; Brandon (minus Blair, she was maid of honor in a wedding) came from Omaha, and April came up from KC. What a great weekend we had.

Friday night after Baccalaureate we went to "Pete's" for beer and pizza with Cheryl and Kevin Halterman ... two amazing people that have been a home away from home for my kids, while at Simpson. We wandered over to the Zoo for an evening of laughter with Marky and Kinger ... Mark Phillips and Ryan King, Simpson Alum with April. Lots of Nolan's friends joined us throughout the day.
Saturday morning came early ... we were dressed and ready at 9ish. Nolan was number 388 out of 389 graduates of 2012. The speaker was amazing, Suku Radia, a banker from Des Moines, he did a truly amazing job ... I honestly still think about his message. We went to the SAE house where they hosted a lovely lunch for the graduates and family members. Some headed north, some had naps, some went shopping a little bit, and Brandon shot back to Omaha to attend the wedding.
We spent Saturday evening with the True Gentlemen of SAE celebrating the graduation of of 10 seniors. Kyle Steffen's family were amazing hosts for the evening. What a great way to end our weekend of festivities. I will miss hanging out with the boys, hearing their stories, and truly feel blessed to have gotten to know such amazing men.



The senior, graduating True Gentlemen from SAE, Simpson Collge, April 28, 2012.
From the left, across the front: Phil Seiwert (Dr. Phil), Christian Samuelson (Slim), Kyle Steffen, Derrick Rogers (DRog), and Chris Allen (RayRay). In back, from the left, Tyson Wirtz, Nolan, Grant Grodahl, Derek Haugland (DH).

The last four are some snapshots of the '05 Alum and the new '12 Alum! What a wonderful weekend!