This is the day, 33 years ago, at age 18 that I took my vows with my friend, the man who made me laugh and the man who loved me and I him, in the only way we knew how. And this is the day that for 12 weeks I've been dreading and worrying about "getting through".
We've never been a couple who celebrated it big, but we celebrated it together. Just last year we sat on the deck, eating a lovely grilled dinner ... we sat there for hours talking and planning his dream, getting The Ice Stand into production. He was so excited, animated, and thought filled. Cautious on every turn, every figure, every process ... it was just his nature. Sometimes driving us all crazy with his cautious ways.
This year I will be in Nebraska at the Zobel Family Reunion on our wedding anniversary ... one of his most favorite days of the year. Some people look forward to Christmas, Doug looked forward to his family reunion. His kids will all be there, this is one of the few things that he ever "asked" of them. He and Kevin would be connected at the hip, or he could be seen harrassing Michelle, Stacy or Melissa. And perhaps one of his favorite memories of last year, was of Jeff Cole, his sister's son, coming to the reunion from Texas. And he would get to see his Uncle Floyd and Aunt Lois, his sister Pat and so many cousins! Family was so important to Doug, and this was his weekend with his family ... and now he's not going to be there.
I thought about not going this year, because I'm a Thompson, not a Zobel. The Zobel part of me is gone. I shared this feeling with my daughter, and a little bit with Michelle. "The Zobel's are "HIS" family ... I sort of feel like I don't belong." The response was loud and clear, you ARE a Zobel, always will be. I've been a Zobel for 33 of my 51 years, and actually 3 years prior to that.
I'd be lying if I didn't tell you that it will be a difficult day ... I almost can't breathe already, just thinking about it. The number of hugs I will get to share, the tears that will flow, and knowing that I will look for him and Kevin outside at the bag toss ... and he won't be there. There's something so terribly wrong about that. But I WILL be with the kids, I WILL be with people who love me, and I WILL do this for him, on our day!
"If I Had Only Known" is a song that I think we've all heard, but I heard it 10 weeks after Doug died at the funeral of a young man. And I've thought about the song for two weeks. In memory of the man I loved, in honor of the men and women you all love, click on the name of the song, there's a link to this beautiful song on YouTube. When you go to bed at night, kiss your spouse and tell them you love them, don't take that simple action for granted. Because If I Had Only Known I would have held him close that morning at 6 a.m.
Happy Anniversary to my friend, my love, and my man ... wish you were here!
until soon,
vic
No comments:
Post a Comment