Strength & Weakness

I've heard from so many people about how strong they perceive me to be. I think I am strong, I think I put on a good face of being strong, and I do truly hold tight to my faith. So I've shared my strongest moments, I write from the heart, and I ramble from somewhere even deeper. Well this weekend I was weak, had moments of strength, but truly felt so very alone and weak.

Friday afternoon my dear friend, Joan, and I worked on a quilt ... I took a break from the quilting, and went outside to water the plants and flowers. As I was watering I looked up to the roof, saw the Christmas lights, and the tears started, "He's not going to be here this year" and so I finished the watering with tears streaming down my face. Back in the house I decided to work on the quilt a little bit longer, while watching the Opening Ceremonies of the 2012 Olympics. Again, the flood gates opened, because Doug had been looking so forward to the Olympics, and he's not here. As I finished up the quilt, reminded that this was a quilt that Doug had picked out a number of years ago, the physical ache and flood of tears seemed to overtake me.



Courthouse Steps, pattern by Glad Creations
Fabrics are Batiks, and it's a quilt that Doug had picked out.

  My sister, Deb, called the next morning and I told her that it was a different kind of ache, a different kind of sadness, than what has been ever present the past 11 weeks, this was a loving, deep, aching loss ... I miss him more each and every day.  This ache wasn't that piercing pain that came those first weeks, trying to comprehend that he had died. This was an ache, a sadness, because this is real ... he really isn't coming home. So, as I cried and cried, I decided to put to a test something a therapist had told me, "You have to stop crying eventually, because you will have to pee." Sooooooooooo ... as I sat in the bathroom peeing, I wanted to call my sister and say "I'm still crying!!!!!" And that actually made me giggle and the crying subsided.

I've read all your comments in the past three or four posts ... and you've all brought me such comfort, brought me some food for thought! Time will heal, but even when you heal from surgery, there is a scar left behind, and Cindy said, that that scar is a reminder. So as I heal, the pain in my heart is a reminder of a great love, of a life filled with laughter, and a life so very blessed by one of the best men I know.

God has a plan for me ... and all I need to do right now is trust, have faith in the one who holds me close.

Until soon,
vic

P.S. I know that some of you will not agree that it is a "weakness" ... I don't think so either, but it is a contrast and comparison. :)