The Journey Continues

It's been a couple of weeks since I last pondered and wandered. I celebrated our anniversary with the Zobel family, at a Zobel Family Reunion. I was with all my kids, Doug's amazing Aunt and Uncle, cousins, and his nephew. I was hugged by all, held close when I was weary, laughed with many, ate some great food, and shared a lot of amazing memories. All in all ... a really great weekend.

The Journey ... Sometimes I wonder where this journey will lead me. I know some of you are aghast that I would even be thinking about "the future" ... most think I should be getting through day by day (and trust me some days thar's all I can do). I've told many that I am not a patient woman, I don't tolerate my "woe is me" attitude very well, I've chosen to try to smile more each day then I shed tears, and I've started to look at pictures of the man I miss, that was a big step.

I've had so many people tell me, "It will take a year." "You must wait a year." "Don't do anything for a year." And I think it's ok advice ... no panicking, I'm not going to run naked through the streets, sell my house, shave my head or move to California. But I have to say that that advice is good to a point, but what makes a year such a magic number? I know that a year gets a person through a lot of firsts. I know that firsts are horrible hard ... shoot, I looked at the Christmas lights hanging from the house and started crying.

With that said, just like we all physically heal differently, I am certain that each person heals differently emotionally. And I've thought a lot about it.

• I don't have a star on my calendar on May 9th, 2013, to mark the date that I can "make decisions"; but I'm still counting the weeks ... it's 13 weeks and 1 day.
• I don't have plans to sell the house, but I am thoughtful about how I will handle all there is to do to remain here.
• I don't have plans to move, but I have thought seriously about being closer to my kids. It's so hard to have them all 5 hours away :(
• I don't have plans to date anyone, but I do hope that someday I will have a companion again, someone to love and someone to love me and mine.
• I don't have plans for a new job, but I do have thoughts and ideas ... some not so smart :)
• I don't have plans to shave my head, I promised April that would be a full blown vote from the Board of Directors (my kids), but I am sporting a new cut and a whole lot of color (yikes)

A dear friend emailed me today, "How are you?" So I told him, "I'm ok." But I went on and on with the truth of the matter. And his response back to me was amazing, it's exactly where I am. Here is what the email said, "We talked about this segment of time approaching following losing Doug when you would be faced with a new reality; the time in general when the transition begins to turn to Chapter 2 of Vickie’s life …. and a new level of adjustment without him, one step beyond the past number of months." And that's exactly where I am I think ... my Journey is on Chapter 2, maybe Chapter 3.

Chapter 1 - The unexpected tragedy, the loss, and the rote ways of life
Chapter 2 - All the busyness of tying up loose ends, finding my way through
Chapter 3 - Life without him, the quiet house, the broken lawnmower, and being alone

I didn't like chapter one when I was in it, it really sucked, but I survived. I really didn't like chapter two in this journey that I didn't sign up for, but I grew stronger. And so I know as much as I hate chapter three, the current chapter, I will continue to grow stronger, I will continue to find my way and I will seek God's guidance and strength, it's gotten me thus far.

That's where my wanderings are this evening ... one step at a time, moving forward, and finding small joys in life.

Until soon,
vic