Two Years

This morning as I woke there wasn't the instant thought of how long I've been a widow. As I stretched and lay there, I heard the "whistle" of a text message. I picked up my phone and it was a message from my sister, Deb. "Copter 41068 checking in, over!"

So let me tell you about that message. Two years ago on this day she went into traffic control mode ... she "allowed" people into the inner circle of my living room. She protected her little sissy. All without me knowing it. That went on for about four or five days ...

Then she went into hover mode ... she'd pop in, call, text or email me. One night she showed up in her pajamas ... yep. She drove to my house in her jammies, told me she was spending the night. You see she knew I hated the dark, was terrified of the night, and had never in my life truly been alone for longer than a few nights.

And the past two years, or maybe more accurately 22 months she has been in patrol mode. She has the "copter" in the garage, ready to swoop in at a moments notice. Out of the blue my helicopter sister, kind sweet and caring will send a text and say, "Copter 41068, everything ok? Over!" A few times I sent a request to Copter 40168 for a fly in. Even when Deb is far away in the warmth of Florida or the beauty of the Northwest, I know that I can always count on the Copter to help protect me.


My sister Barb has manned the phones ... she calls frequently, is always ready to rescue me if I've locked myself out of my car in Mason City, take care of my cat, "Sig", when I travel, and just visit on a quiet night.

I've never said much about the people in my life the past two years, because I would forget someone, and that would make me feel bad. But as I mention my sisters, this day, cannot go by without talking about Joan. Joan saved me two years ago ... for weeks I saw her every single solitary day. She would drive 14 miles to town, sit and talk or pull up her sleeves and do whatever project was on my mind.

Joan has been a part of going through all of Doug's clothes with me, planting and working on my landscape, painting and scraping the garage, cleaning out 4 of my closets, filling about 6 dumpsters of STUFF, cleaning out my garage, shed and around the yard. I spoke to Joan almost every single day for the first year. Joan called me as she drove by my yard and someone was raking it, she was crying, because she almost stopped to talk to "Doug". It wasn't him, it should have been him, she was so very sad. I often wondered when she "grieved" as she made it her mission to soothe my soul and keep me sane.

Along with filling Dumpsters ... there's so many that lent a hand ... Mark, Cody, Steve, Kari, Pam, Bill, Deb, Brandon, Blair, Nolan, John, Sue, and I'm sure someone else equally important. Mark climbed high into the rafters and drug down "s _ I _" that needed to be tossed. Steve Wagner ... I smile when I think of cleaning out my garden shed with he and Kari. No greater love was there between two women and a man that day. I wonder if Steve is now ready to let me throw the bird feeder and sink? When my Christmas lights didn't work, Mr. Cody Krull came to my rescue this last winter.

My kitchen never lacked for food or being left clean and spotless when Mrs. Pam Divan, the magic kitchen fairy, was around. Never a lack for cookies, yummy turkey, or amazing cinnamon rolls. I think Pam hauled two or three SUV's packed to the brim with "stuff" that I thought I had to keep for 30 years. She took it all with a smile.

On this day I can't help but think of Dave, Craig, Mark, Scott, Joel ... they've gone two years on the ice fishing trip. Every time those men reach for their fishing gear, there has to be a memory of Doug. The ice stands that he created, attached to each of their poles. I love knowing that every time they pull a fish from the ice, they might just smile and think of Doug ... I think they call him, "the

Genius" ... well at least it's stamped permanently on Doug's ice fishing stand :)

Two years ago today ... at this moment in time, April was being drive north to a home forever changed by her dear, sweet friend Lyndsey. Brandon was frantically trying to get home from Arizona, pick up his beautiful fiancé Blair, and drive another 5 hours ... arriving 14 hours after the dreadful phone call. I sit an look at my sofa, the spot where Nolan sat beside his momma in a daze, having been woke up by his Uncle Donnie, finding out the horrid news ... but he sat beside his momma, and for weeks, he was always there, right beside me.

Two years ago today, my house had a revolving door, as person after person ran to my house. I remember Mark standing in my doorway, as I shook my head NO at him, and turned my back. I remember Rachel Olson kneeling near my chair. I remember my Poppie at the dining room table, Pastor Bill on his left, Kali and Paisley on his right. I remember Lori Brekken standing at one of the colonnades in my house, as she watched Dave kneeling at my chair. I remember Scott Bosacker, his gentle voice quietly saying I'm so sorry, and hugging me. I remember brother-in-law Bill so wanting to help, but feeling so helpless. I remember at some point in those two days Roz, Manette and Kay, sitting with me in the front porch. I remember sitting on my front steps talking to Doug's brother Paul. I remember opening my fridge about 6 p.m. or so and almost falling to my knees. I remember Bart, Police Chief Thomas, kneeling in front of me as they explained the facts and details of "what next".

Two years ago today ... Julie, Kathy, Becky, Jane, Darla, Terri, Kathy, Sheila ... began to pray, and months later they didn't take no for an answer as they brought me TLC ... loving me through the new normal. Two years ago today, JB (John Brighton) lost one of his closest and dearest friends. He and Sue are never far, checking on me, helping me, and taking me on a date or two.

Two years ago today, I walked out to the garage, found my husband ... resting in Jesus arms, and I screamed no, no, no. Doug's strength flowed into me, I set about doing what had to be done, and through it all ... he was no longer beside me, but inside me. Those were some long moments as I waited for "help" to arrive. Funny ... but it was my brother who was first on the scene, having heard the page on a friends pager. God does work in the most mysterious ways.

Two years ago today ... time stood still. In the last 26 or so months I've lost my husband, my Daddy, an uncle, four aunts, my sister had a brain aneurysm, my brother-in-law fought a war with cancer, I've changed jobs, I've moved my youngest son twice, I've watched my oldest son marry the love of his life, and they gave me my first grandson. Some very major changes in such a short period of time. Without my kids, my family, and my dear friends, I'm quite certain I'd not be writing this today. I'd be one of my sisters "true" patients, on some form of medication, and unable to cope.

Grief is an every changing emotion. I try not to "control" it, I try really hard to not let it "control" me, and I try extra hard to embrace it and then move forward. One cannot lose someone they cherish and think that it will be easy to replace or have a new normal without them.

Two years later, I'm doing all right. I have been on a date or two with an amazingly kind man. He understands my grief (most of the time). Two years later and I feel alright. I have a "peaceful easy feeling". I am sad some days, I am happy some days, I sob some nights, I regret what he isn't here to see, I have sorrow when I think about how much he would love our life right now.

Two years later, when I look at the smirk on our son, Brandon's, face, I see Doug. Two years later when our daughter, April, talks about the Twins, I hear Doug. Two years later when our youngest son, Nolan, tells a joke I hear Doug. I really truly am one very blessed and lucky woman. Please listen to the Eagles today ... tell your loved ones you love them ...

Thank you for loving me through two years of darkness. You've brought me safely to some sunshine and light.

Until soon,
vic