The following from Miss April:
"….2 years…
I turned on the Eagles and thought I would put some words on
paper again…. maybe sort out where my heart is….
I can’t say that I have much more knowledge than I did 2
years ago when I first began my new normal without my dad… but I can say that I
think I have more perspective…The sudden loss of my dad at age 29 has taught me
a lot about life and how to live it and maybe more about appreciation than
anything. I’m learning that life is fleeting- and all those times people tell
you to live each moment like it’s your last – is stuff of truth. I cherish moments small and big… and try and
find the positive more often than what is wrong or what I don’t agree with. I
try and live a life a bit more Dougie like…. well - maybe with less worry J
I can’t with an honest heart say there have not been moments
of sadness and grief… but more often
than not- I feel a longing. Year one was
more about getting thru- making it to the next holiday… the next big moment.
Year two has been more about grasping the concept that he is really gone- and
that this will be something we will all deal with forever. I miss most: the
quiet moments that we shared- the random text message about “Mauer’s smooth
swing” or the way he would yell “woo hoo” when the Packers scored a touchdown
over the rival Vikings. I miss the cold beers on the deck in the summer talking
about work and fishing…. I miss waking up to coffee on the weekends I would
spend back in Lake Mills…. And getting to have that one on one time with dad. I
miss the beer fairy who would have the fire pit area void of the previous
nights shenanigans. I long for his smile and hugs of pure pride.
Those are the things year 2 is about… because finally I get
to experience those feelings… I’m not as concerned about making sure we as a
family all survive the firsts… My mom likes to share a little April nugget… she
knew it was time to worry about her daughter that first year when she colored
her blonde locks dark brown/red…. Yep- I did. And it looked good. But when a
close friend asked me why I did it – I said
- very matter of factly… “When you can’t control anything else- you can
control your hair.” You have to understand… I am as Type A as a person can
be. I fix things. I make it all better.
I control. I plan. My Aunt Debbie has a
great story about how I was even planning logistics at my dad’s visitation….
Its what I do. But dammit- I could not control the grief. I could not control
that my family was sad. I couldn’t fix it… and so- I fixed whatever I could to
feel some sense of control.
But now – its year 2… and that control has changed. I’ve
learned to feel… to actually feel the grief – the loss ... to experience it….
because in those moments – I gain some
control again… sounds like I am a lunatic- but when I actually feel the pain
and loss- I’m allowing myself to accept that its real – and to be sad and lost
for a bit . But then – those moments pass – and they aren’t as difficult as
they were 2 years ago.
Most of all… out of all of those things that I miss… I’m
just sad that people in my life will never know him… sure- they will hear the
stories- but he was a legend… he could tell a joke better than George Carlin…
he could build a mean fire… he could fix damn near anything…but really- he
could….
I’m going to ask all of you readers to do
something similar to that of my request last year… but this time instead of a
prayer (which we will happily take too!) I ask that you share a memory or
picture on facebook or with your friends about this guy I called dad and most
of you called friend…. Keep the memory of him alive…"From April with love!
until soon,
vic
Your pride is more evident now than your pain, though I am sure the pain will never go away. You will always miss him, just as I will always miss my brother, in the second year now as well. It still doesn't feel real, and probably never will. I appreciate your sharing, April, and I remember most your dad's smiles, lauggter, and sense of humor. He was indeed a great man. Thanks for writing about him for everyone to read. :-) Karen
ReplyDeleteI have finally had the chance to read April's thoughts - I am inspired your words! I don't know if there is or was a more caring man than Doug. I loved to hear his jokes - even if I had heard them a hundred times before, they were always funny. It was partly the delivery but mostly it was Doug. I loved him as much as I love old JB! I think of all the ball games we were at, I loved those days. Playing cards - Doug & I were always partners - because we were not as serious about cards as Vicki & JB. It was always a social thing for us - just to be together, visit (or BS), have a beer or two (the men), some popcorn & of course all the new jokes. John would try to tell those jokes later & by the way he is the worst joke teller in the world - they were never as good as Doug's. I miss those times. I miss our times together. April, you inspire me! You all inspire me. When you come home to visit I am as excited to see you as I am Justin - you are all as much of my family as my kids. Always know we are here for you, we are only a phone call away & that we love you. JB & Sue
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