Headstone

Hello my family, friends, and peeps!
It's been a long, long time since I've written. Like 3 years and 2 weeks or so! I have so much in my heart and head, I have like 3 or 4 I want to write today but:

• I have so little time to write
• There's so much in my heart, but these days there are others involved in my thoughts and feelings and not always sure how to write it :)
• I often wonder who wants to listen (read) to me ramble
• I have so little time to write!!!!!

So ... to bring you up to speed. 

1. Bill bought us a house in Charles City. We went from 2 houses with seven bedrooms to one house with 6 bedrooms. That's a good one for a post!
2. I moved June 9th, 2017, to Charles City ... that fiasco is another story ... oh yes another post.
3. I have been working for Bill for a couple of years ... un huh ... many a venting could be written
4. I have a new "daughter" ... daughter-in-law ... Nolan got married ... such amazing memories, October of 2018. And he and his beautiful wife, Allison, are expecting in January 2021!
5. Our kids and their successes - So many job changes and board appointments, and starting new business.

Last Difficult Task ... on a long, long journey of to-do's ... Order Doug's Headstone

That's today's topic ... I've been working on this project for a very long time, doing a little bit at a time. Hears some thoughts from my heart:

Headstone for Doug ... a Memorial Monument for Doug ... GRAVEstone ... 

He deserves a headstone. I know this, I know this more than anyone! Doug was an amazing man, and not just because I think so, but the hundreds of people who stood in line to pay their last respects think so. The hundreds of cards and letters we received prove it to us. The friends who all have a Doug story say so. His children KNOW so. So yes, I know he deserves a stone. 

• It's never been a matter of whether or not he "deserves" or needs a headstone. For the first 4 years it was about money. When Doug died, I was making about 16 to 18 thousand dollars a year. Uh huh ... you do the math. Working at Waldorf I never got wealthy, but I did get rich ... rich in the blessings of 3 kids going to private college ... 2 of them almost tuition free. Doug was the bread winner, the bill payer, he supported our family and my money was the extras. The generosity of friends, family, and even strangers with gifts at the time of his death was so so generous. We had very little life insurance. And all I could think about was how am I going to make ends meet? 
• They say the average stone costs $2,000 ... even that seems like a large chunk of change out of my income and savings. After collecting his life insurance, paying for a funeral ... and we didn't spend a ton, but that's over 10 grand also. So to add another $2,000 plus to the budget felt scary.
• Picking one out ... not really what you do when you want to go shopping. 

BUT ... the truest reason, the mental health therapy ... admitting the truth reason ... 

If I buy a stone, if I go to the cemetery and see his marker ... there is no denial. He really, truly, is gone, he is not coming back, and it's taken 8 years for me to get to this point. Don't get me wrong, I've known and I know he is gone. But ... headstones are what we do for our grandparents or parents ... when they are 75 or 80 or 90. It's not what one does for a spouse who is 55 and you (me) just 50.

A year and a half ago Bill and I walked into a monument store here in Charles City. There were stones lined up against the walls and a section or two down the middle. A (I'm sure) kind lady came up to us and asked if she could help us. I wanted to scream at her, nah, just thought we'd stop in and browse. How many people go to a monument store to "shop". Now I know that that is a really childish and snarky reaction to someone doing their job, and doing it well. But my mind was just racing. And when she pointed out sections by cost ... my stomach turned. And I started to sweat just a bit. I'm certain my mental health therapist sister would say I was having a bit of a panic attack. 

All I could think of was the tiny little stone that I could afford to purchase and put on his grave. He deserves the biggest. The one that people walk by and stop and say, "wow, look at that stone." He deserves way more than something you trip over when looking for his resting place. Doug would have wanted an oak tree cut or carved into the shape of a cross, and if I were really honest, he would have wanted something even more simple. An oak stump, sanded, his name burned into it, and some high gloss polish to keep it looking good. 

Bill and I walked out of there, me nearly in tears, telling him that the one I want would be over $5,000. He said, "Well, then buy it." He has asked me many times, "when are you going to order Doug a stone?" The ice fishing "Pout Brothers" all wonder when there will be a stone. Barb asked me if I was going to order him a stone. My kids, especially the oldest has asked me several times, "Mom, when are you getting Dad's stone."

The crazy lady in me wants to scream walk in my shoes ... know what my financial situation is/was ... do you have a clue how expensive they are ... know how I feel. And the reality is my children are more than aware of the loss. The reality is that Bill knows how I feel, he ordered his Jeannie one right away. The reality is that there are friends that go looking for Doug in the cemetery, just for a visit, and have no clue where he is resting. The reality is there are more shoes to walk in than just my own. I have been selfish, I have done denial very well. And this last step, this last chapter in the death of my sweet, amazing husband ... has been extremely difficult. If I were honest, it's been the hardest part.

I pat myself on the back every now and again ... I've weathered this horrid storm pretty darn well. I've been graceful, most of the time; I've remembered my blessings, usually, and I've reached out occasionally. But this final page in this journey has not been one I've wanted to share. For the first year or two, I felt shame in not being able to afford one. It felt private, it felt like it was mine, and it felt like I was his wife and it's my decision, no one else. But in reality it wasn't just me who felt things, who needed this, who waited for this. And to those whom this has hurt, I do apologize deeply. I hope that you never have to walk this journey, not until you are very, very, very old.

I wrote the check, I mailed the contract, and now it's done. It's to be in late summer or fall. It's going to be beautiful, it's going to be a bit unique, and it's going to honor him. After my kids have seen it, I will post a picture, until they are ready, there will be no pictures.

SO ... This man, my husband, the father to our amazing kids, and the friend to so many ... will have a lasting marker, a spot to sit a spell and visit, marking the "myth, the man, the legend" ... never forgotten by those who loved him so.

Until soon,

Vic