April's Wanderings - Hurt & Love From a Daughter's Heart

I have been thinking about guest blogging for sometime on mom’s site… because she writes so well and speaks such truth that I can’t quite seem to put as eloquently.  But lately, my mind keeps wandering… my heart hurts and the tears seem to fall a bit easier.

I told a friend a few weeks ago – “I’ not going to memorialize the day of my dad’s death. It doesn’t seem fitting or right. I miss him everyday – just not on May 9^th.” And I must admit- I stood firm to those words. I really did. Until that week rolled around…

A best friend of mine who has walked this journey with me said something that I have to share….when I told her I was having a hard time with the week and couldn’t figure out why – she said:

“It's just a weird feeling that is hard to describe. I know I've processed their deaths, but it is like this yucky cloud that just looms around that time. I hate it. The strange thing with anniversaries is that, at least in my situation, I don't feel their loss measurably more on that specific day than another day...the dull pain can always be found regardless of the date...it just makes you relive the horror you experienced that actual day.”

I cherish this friend.. because those words escaped me. But right now- my pain feels a little validated and understood.

You see – some think…”it’s just a day”… but that day means:  Its ONE year since time stood still. It’s a day that marks ONE YEAR since a family, friends, town and world lost a man that was so much to so many.

A picture of dad with his brand new smart phone! Texting!

But I’m writing this because I lost MY DAD. A year ago I sat at a computer and did the unimaginable. I wrote a form of eulogy for my dad’s funeral. It all seems so surreal… still. It all seems so unfair. STILL. ONE YEAR LATER… I know that forever I will have moments when I miss my dad. Hell- I have them daily. And each season has brought its own triumphs and struggles. I miss my dad most when I’m sitting outside – for no reason other than that’s what we did… we sat on the deck and talked over a beer while he grilled. We played catch  - from age 3 to almost 30 we tossed the ball around…and loved the “zip” I could get on a hard toss. We rode bikes. We swam. We sat around bonfires. We went to Twins games… oh how those Twins games make me miss that man… you see- my dad learned to text – near the later years of his life… and there wasn’t anything I liked more on a random Tuesday night… I would sit at my spot at the Quaff – watch the game and text WITH MY DAD about the game! He always had a funny comment or insight that could make me smile from the inside on out.

Those are just a FEW of the million times I have felt that twinge of pain. This spring seems to have triggered the memories of a year ago…it’s the moment that defines my life right now… I remember exactly how that day “went down”… I remember nearly every minute of the days that led to his funeral. I remember thinking- how in the hell are we gonna do this.

But – ONE YEAR LATER. I am so proud. I am sad. But more so, I am proud. My family – specifically the 5 of us, have conquered a year of firsts with grace and love. I can say that I have never felt closer to my siblings, to my mother and my sister in law and her family. I have never felt closer to my friends that have held me up. I have NEVER loved a town more than I have grown to love Lake Mills…. It is a town that has wrapped my family up in its arms and never let go… ONE YEAR later the town is still caring for all of us.

You see – the moral of this story is that – THIS SUCKS… losing a parent- specifically a dad… more specifically my dad… SUCKS. But I am reminded of how lucky I am and was to have a dad like him. A dad that I miss more than words. A dad that loved me with his whole heart and then some. A dad that would show me in everyway how much he loved me. A dad that was proud – like buttons bursting proud of me and my brothers. You see- I’m lucky. But to this day- there is that pain that I’m not ready to let go of yet… I’m not quite ready to give up the tears and the stomach wrenching, longing feeling. Because I worry that once I give up that pain that I hold on to- his death won’t be as tragic. Sounds silly and I can’t believe I am writing it… but its truth.

So I’m going to relive that moment on Thursday – I’m going to wake up- and say a prayer that my dad will forever watch over me and my family…that I will FOREVER feel his pride and love- just like I do a year after he left this earth.

If you don’t follow me on facebook- I want to note that I posted a song the other day- its called “Happy on the Hey Now” by Kenny Chesney. The song is about a young gal, Kristi,  who passed away too soon- ‘HEY NOW’  is the boat that she was always on… its funny because this song is exactly what I needed to hear last week.. and it so reminds me of my dad… I replace her name with my dad’s and the beach things in the song and picture him on the lake… this verse is my favorite:

++

I hope time can be our healer, maybe time can be a friend,

 Still I'm a strong believer, someday we'll see you again,

 Where the sun is on our faces and the wind is at our back,

 Sailing south to our favorite places, where the water's calm and flat

++

Here is the link to the song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oezosMKNTxY

In closing- I ask that you take a moment on Thursday to send up a prayer or happy thoughts for all of us – family and friends (maybe even for you)… because this PAST YEAR has taught me that I have not survived it on my own… the prayers and love from so many friends and family have carried us through.

So thanks for letting me crash the blog…

Warm thoughts –

April…. His PUNKIN

P.S. from vic ... "That's my daughter, and she's just like her brothers ... and I am so stinkin proud to say they are ours ... Doug's and mine!" Love you punkin, thanks for being a blog crasher!