I am a widow

I didn't really think about "the year" ... not as in planning ... until my sister asked me what my plan was. To be honest my plan was to take one day at a time, just like I have for the last 11 months and three weeks. I hadn't really thought about it, and now it's what I think about a lot. Not sure if I should tell her thank you, or smack her one. I have a meeting planned for 9 a.m. that morning, I've thought about rescheduling it, but really ... what am I going to do, sit home, or lay in bed, and think about all that's been taken from me? I'm not sure that I need to do that ... I live it.

I've thought long and hard about May 9, 2013 ... I've thought about some magnificent way to reclaim the day! And really ... haven't come up with anything. My boys are coming home for Mother's Day Weekend ... and to help me haul some junk to the dumpster. I don't think they are coming home because it is "that" weekend. Don't get me wrong, it's never far from our hearts and minds.

I think that there will be sadness and tears for the rest of my life ... I think it will decrease in frequency ... and will become more situational or event induced. So trust me when I say I'm naïve, I know full well what the years to come might be like. But ...

Two weeks ago on Wednesday, as I drove to my first annual meeting as the Executive Director of LMCDC, I fought tears and I do mean fought ... Doug would have been with me, he would have helped me set up, he would have sat in his chair, beer in hand, and smiled. And at the end, he would have walked up to me, kissed me, and said, "Good job hon, that was great!" He would have been beaming from ear to ear, so proud of his wife ... so I know full well, even if I "reclaim" the day ... it doesn't stop the tears.

As I went to eat dinner one night last week, (YES ... I cooked) ... I almost said, "Hon, dinner's ready." Old habits, even a year later and I sometimes forget that he is gone, that my 32 year routine is shattered and different. And the tears fell.

As I think about this spring ... the change in weather (other than our snowmaggedon) ... and the open windows, the thunder and lightening ... I wonder who will calm me down? Who will get up in the middle of the night and close windows, so I don't have to? Who will be my protector and hero? Who will tell me it's going to be ok? Who will keep me safe when I am scared?

And as my wise old youngest son would tell me ... "He's always here mom, he's with us all the time." And I sometimes stomp my foot and I say, "No, he IS NOT!" And he smiles, and he says to me, "Yes, HE IS." So I guess I must learn from my children as they walk this path, I have to remember that he IS always here, he will keep me safe, for he IS with the ONE who can. Probably better practice what I preach.

So as I go into this week ... I think of nothing more than the anniversary of my sweet husband's death. There isn't a day that doesn't go by that I don't think about what the future will be like without him. There isn't a day that I don't think about the journey of our kids lives, without their daddy. And just like the last 361 days ... I will get through Thursday, reclaiming it with strength, for you see ... this I know, "I am a 51 year old woman, I AM a widow ... but I think I need to continue to choose if that defines me, or if I define it ...
     For I am a daughter,
           I am a mother
               I am a sister
                    I am a friend
                         I am a director
                              I am a lay preacher
                                   I am so much more than a widow
I am a widow, I'm not afraid of that word, we use it around my house now and again, but ...  I am the sad and grieving wife of Doug Zobel ... and he would not like me to walk around dwelling on "the widow" ... he would love for me to be strong, in his likeness; he would like me to plan a future, even without him in it; and he would want our children  to remember him with laughter and love ... for they were the light of his life, and he would want only happiness for each of them ... well that and a grandchild at some point would be nice!

I'm not sure what Thursday will bring, perhaps if the weather cooperates, maybe I'll be sitting on the deck and if you wanna stop by and say hello ... I would not be opposed. I'll keep ya'll posted.

until soon,
vic