Weak within my Strength

It's been a while, but I've pondered the words for this post for a long time. I have had so many of you talk about how "strong" I am and I want to say, "Nah, I'm just me." Please know that I appreciate your kindess, I feel like I represent it, but I feel like I have to be honest, especially for those of you who are going through or have gone through the same tragic experience that I've endured the past 15 weeks.

STRONG - yes, I am strong! yes, I believe that God has a plan! yes, I am working full time! yes, I've returned to the pulpit to preach! yes, I am doing well! yes, I travel alone to see the kids! yes, I write about all the accomplishments I've done! yes, I have gone through his clothes! yes, I laugh and giggle and smile, almost every day! yes, I open the garage door every single day and say, "It's just a garage"! yes, I go into the basement to his shop and dig for things I need! and yes, I do feel strong fifty percent of the time.

BUT - Little do you know the things that can bring me to my knees. Little do you know the times when I use almost a half of a box of tissues. Little do you know that I get angry when people don't share their grief and sadness with me. Little do you know how much I miss Doug on Sunday nights. Little do you know when my babies miss their daddy it hurts my heart the most. Little do you know that in the quiet of the evening most Sundays I am tear filled, nose blowing, down right sad.

AND - Sometimes the lonesome quietness of my house is DEAFENING. Sometimes I stand in the garage and I ask out loud, "What the hell were you thinking!???" Sometimes I wonder if I can really do this on my own, I've been a part of Team Zobel for 33 years! Sometimes when the phone rings, I really don't want to talk to another living soul, I just want to be on my own, figuring this out. Sometimes I really think this is all about me me me ... and I forget the grief of others who lost this amazing man. Sometimes I'm mad (maybe not mad, perhaps more whiney) at my kids, as I go about figuring things out, feeling alone and wondering if they know how hard this is for me. Sometimes I get angry at myself for thinking ALL of the above. Sometimes I ask my sister, the honest to God goodness therapist, "Do I need help? Grief counseling?" Sometimes I will drive to work, tears running, because it's another day without him in it. Sometimes I wonder if I KNEW how much I loved that man and I get angry at myself for sucking as a wife. Sometimes I touch his coat and I know I'm going to be ok.

WEAK - How does one define weakness? Are any of the above thoughts or feelings weak? I think some are. I feel the weakest when I see my kids the saddest. I feel the deepest ache when I think about their birthdays, their projects that need fixing, their special days. I feel an incredible pain sometimes when I think about Brandon's wedding day in 5 short weaks ... Doug would have been the proudest man there. As I looked through their beautiful engagment pictures, I cried at each new picture ... the beauty and happiness depicted and Doug isn't here to see it all. Each Wednesday I've thought about that horrible moment when time stood still and I couldn't breathe, thinking in my head how do I tell my babies ... how how how! I pray each night that God will give me peaceful slumber, that what I saw will never flash in my head again. Each Friday, if I'm alone, I think about the 400 plus people who came to my last "date" with Doug, hugging, crying, shaking their heads. I think of all of the things we've all been through the last almost 4 months and I think, whewwwww I'm a third of the way through that "first year" ... measuring time. That seems weak to me, stop measuring time and start living life!

There's not a right or wrong to grieving. I'm not one to sit and stew. I'm not patient with my tears some days. I think about how Doug lived his life, full of "it", pulling tricks, whistling like a bird, talking to strangers, and thinking about the next time the kids are home. So it is with intent that I think about life, that I move forward, that I think about the future, that I plan to live out some of our dreams, that I smile in spite of my aching heart. I'm not strong, I'm just so very blessed with:

• Amazing kids ... who love me in spite of my blonde brain
• Amazing friends ... who love me in spite of my neediness
• Amazing church family ... who pray for me in spite of my absence from the pew
• Amazing kids ... did I mention my kids ... they are a lifeline, pulling me out of the deep end
• Amazing family ... always there with an ear, a hand and generally a mouth (you know we Thompsons like to give advice and talk alot!!!)
• Amazing extended family ... who pray for my peace and think of me constantly
• Amazing faith .... yes it is amazing. Because I'm quite certain that the good Lord has carried me the past 15 weeks, especially when I stumble and fall.

I am weak, strong, sad, mad, happy, glad, silly, smart and ok ... I am ok ... not great, not good, but I really am O K!

Until soon,
vic

The Journey Continues

It's been a couple of weeks since I last pondered and wandered. I celebrated our anniversary with the Zobel family, at a Zobel Family Reunion. I was with all my kids, Doug's amazing Aunt and Uncle, cousins, and his nephew. I was hugged by all, held close when I was weary, laughed with many, ate some great food, and shared a lot of amazing memories. All in all ... a really great weekend.

The Journey ... Sometimes I wonder where this journey will lead me. I know some of you are aghast that I would even be thinking about "the future" ... most think I should be getting through day by day (and trust me some days thar's all I can do). I've told many that I am not a patient woman, I don't tolerate my "woe is me" attitude very well, I've chosen to try to smile more each day then I shed tears, and I've started to look at pictures of the man I miss, that was a big step.

I've had so many people tell me, "It will take a year." "You must wait a year." "Don't do anything for a year." And I think it's ok advice ... no panicking, I'm not going to run naked through the streets, sell my house, shave my head or move to California. But I have to say that that advice is good to a point, but what makes a year such a magic number? I know that a year gets a person through a lot of firsts. I know that firsts are horrible hard ... shoot, I looked at the Christmas lights hanging from the house and started crying.

With that said, just like we all physically heal differently, I am certain that each person heals differently emotionally. And I've thought a lot about it.

• I don't have a star on my calendar on May 9th, 2013, to mark the date that I can "make decisions"; but I'm still counting the weeks ... it's 13 weeks and 1 day.
• I don't have plans to sell the house, but I am thoughtful about how I will handle all there is to do to remain here.
• I don't have plans to move, but I have thought seriously about being closer to my kids. It's so hard to have them all 5 hours away :(
• I don't have plans to date anyone, but I do hope that someday I will have a companion again, someone to love and someone to love me and mine.
• I don't have plans for a new job, but I do have thoughts and ideas ... some not so smart :)
• I don't have plans to shave my head, I promised April that would be a full blown vote from the Board of Directors (my kids), but I am sporting a new cut and a whole lot of color (yikes)

A dear friend emailed me today, "How are you?" So I told him, "I'm ok." But I went on and on with the truth of the matter. And his response back to me was amazing, it's exactly where I am. Here is what the email said, "We talked about this segment of time approaching following losing Doug when you would be faced with a new reality; the time in general when the transition begins to turn to Chapter 2 of Vickie’s life …. and a new level of adjustment without him, one step beyond the past number of months." And that's exactly where I am I think ... my Journey is on Chapter 2, maybe Chapter 3.

Chapter 1 - The unexpected tragedy, the loss, and the rote ways of life
Chapter 2 - All the busyness of tying up loose ends, finding my way through
Chapter 3 - Life without him, the quiet house, the broken lawnmower, and being alone

I didn't like chapter one when I was in it, it really sucked, but I survived. I really didn't like chapter two in this journey that I didn't sign up for, but I grew stronger. And so I know as much as I hate chapter three, the current chapter, I will continue to grow stronger, I will continue to find my way and I will seek God's guidance and strength, it's gotten me thus far.

That's where my wanderings are this evening ... one step at a time, moving forward, and finding small joys in life.

Until soon,
vic

Our Wedding Anniversary

This is the day, 33 years ago, at age 18 that I took my vows with my friend, the man who made me laugh and the man who loved me and I him, in the only way we knew how. And this is the day that for 12 weeks I've been dreading and worrying about "getting through".

We've never been a couple who celebrated it big, but we celebrated it together. Just last year we sat on the deck, eating a lovely grilled dinner ... we sat there for hours talking and planning his dream, getting The Ice Stand into production. He was so excited, animated, and thought filled. Cautious on every turn, every figure, every process ... it was just his nature. Sometimes driving us all crazy with his cautious ways.

This year I will be in Nebraska at the Zobel Family Reunion on our wedding anniversary ... one of his most favorite days of the year. Some people look forward to Christmas, Doug looked forward to his family reunion. His kids will all be there, this is one of the few things that he ever "asked" of them. He and Kevin would be connected at the hip, or he could be seen harrassing Michelle, Stacy or Melissa. And perhaps one of his favorite memories of last year, was of Jeff Cole, his sister's son, coming to the reunion from Texas. And he would get to see his Uncle Floyd and Aunt Lois, his sister Pat and so many cousins! Family was so important to Doug, and this was his weekend with his family ... and now he's not going to be there.

I thought about not going this year, because I'm a Thompson, not a Zobel. The Zobel part of me is gone. I shared this feeling with my daughter, and a little bit with Michelle. "The Zobel's are "HIS" family ... I sort of feel like I don't belong." The response was loud and clear, you ARE a Zobel, always will be. I've been a Zobel for 33 of my 51 years, and actually 3 years prior to that.

I'd be lying if I didn't tell you that it will be a difficult day ... I almost can't breathe already, just thinking about it. The number of hugs I will get to share, the tears that will flow, and knowing that I will look for him and Kevin outside at the bag toss ... and he won't be there. There's something so terribly wrong about that. But I WILL be with the kids, I WILL be with people who love me, and I WILL do this for him, on our day!

"If I Had Only Known" is a song that I think we've all heard, but I heard it 10 weeks after Doug died at the funeral of a young man. And I've thought about the song for two weeks. In memory of the man I loved, in honor of the men and women you all love, click on the name of the song, there's a link to this beautiful song on YouTube. When you go to bed at night, kiss your spouse and tell them you love them, don't take that simple action for granted. Because If I Had Only Known I would have held him close that morning at 6 a.m.

Happy Anniversary to my friend, my love, and my man ... wish you were here!

until soon,
vic