Mr. Bill

NEVER PUBLISHED ... Written November 2016 ... It's sat and I've read it a number of times ... it's time for me to publish it. Moving on, moving forward ... it is not easy but it's rewards are numerous. So ... Think back to November of last year ... I had one less grandson, Bill had one more granddog, I was still working for the credit union, and Bill and I were trying to figure out what next ... well we still are!

WRITTEN NOVEMBER 10, 2016:

Four years, six months and one day ...
Tears, sadness, loneness, grief, anger, searching ...
Joy, laughter, peace, blessed and faith ...
Change, new normal, normal and settled ...

Four years, six month and one day ago time stood still. The man I met at 15, dated until I was 18, married when I was 18 (for 28 whole days), had three amazing children with, loved, argued, laughed, leaned on and walked beside for almost 31 years, died. He left us all far to soon. I've talked for four years about all of the blessings I've found through the walk of grief. I've let you in on some of our darkest days. I've been blessed with additions to my family. I've felt the hurts of our children mourning the loss of their rock of Gibraltar.

I've talked about the people who have held us, kept us from going completely crazy, the people who have physically helped to clean out house, shed and garage. I've talked about and shared my feeling of being cheated, my children of being cheated, of feeling like so much was left undone.

My family has made it through a wedding, the birth of an amazing beautiful grandson, the promotions and changes of our children's jobs, the purchase of a first house, and the fix-its that our go to guy would have done. We have celebrated our strengths and achievements, we have weathered set-backs, and we have acclimated to many changes.

What I haven't talked a lot about, what I haven't shared is my new normal. I haven't shared the joys of a new man in my life. I haven't shared the blessing that I've been given. So today ... today I tell you that I've met someone. Two years, eight months ago I met Bill ... we emailed and talked on the phone for over a month before I let him take me to dinner.

My Bill and his family lost their rock of Gibraltar, Bill lost his wife Jeannie. His kids lost their mom, their go to call at the end of the day, their supporter and biggest cheerleader. Bill and I met, talked, and got to know each other because of our similarities. Starting with the loss of the loves of our lives. But we were similar in the fact that we had three kids, he has two daughters and one son; we both have a daughter-in-love; we both have grand-dogs that we loved, we both have one grandson, and we love being surrounded by family.

Bill's and my conversations started with grief and how do you get through month two and three ... how do you move forward. Our conversations turned to how hard it was to see our children grieve the loss of a parent far to young. Our conversations frequently ... frequently moved to faith and why and how God lets this happen. As time has moved on, we talked about where I am 4 and a half years out and where Bill is 2 and a half years out. Yes, feel free to do the math, gasp and carry on about the fact that he dated 3 months after Jeannie passed away, but until you've walked in the shoes of those who have lost, please hold your judgment for someone else. You see, you cannot say what Bill and I have not already said.

Bill and I talk about everything, sometimes we disagree vehemently (politics, bahhhhhh), but mostly we communicate. We talk about grieving the loss of the mother/father of our children. I said to Bill a long time ago, that we are lucky ... very, very lucky, because we can find another love of our life, we can find another spouse, but our children can never have another father or mother. They can have a figure that is respected, loved and treasured, but plain and simply I will never be Jeannie and Bill will never be Doug. We can love each other's children deeply, but I will never be their "mom" and he will never be their "dad".

Bill and I are humbled by the way our children have handled our new journey. Some days I'm certain it would be much easier on all of us if we were just single, if Bill and I both chose to just be alone, but our kids have taken time to get to know the new one in their life. Our kids have taken time to reach out, invite in and get to know the new one in their life. Our kids have accepted this relationship with grace, laughter, and love ... our kids love their parent enough to allow them to find happiness, even if it hurts as that reminder of the one they lost is so very apparent.

Bill and I have 8 kids, 2 grandsons, 4 granddogs, 2 cats, 2 houses, 2 vehicles, more "siblings" than I can count, numerous amazing friends, enough Christmas decorations to decorate the White House, 6 communities to travel to see our children, and if that's not enough, the man has "hangars" to KEEP shit ... yes Debra, I know I have a lot in my basement, but seriously, HANGARS of space!

Bill ... he is educated, he can write eloquently, he laughs loud, loves deeply, ages gracefully (that's my way of telling you he's MUCH older than me), drinks whiskey, runs a business with two locations, soon to be three; thinks deeply, gives freely of himself, thinks of others more than self, is very, very faith filled; he is Catholic, as Catholic as I am Lutheran (and we are ok with that); enjoys a great steak, seeks information, reads, loves his Twins, Vikings, and Nascar, he is a licensed pilot, owns a plane or two, enjoys a good joke, has worked at the same job for 50 years, loves to travel, has raised an amazing family, is devoted to that family; and ordered his first brand new truck, his Colorado that he loves and adores; he loves to give gifts, from jewelry to turquoise coffeemakers, he gives flowers because it's Tuesday, he opens doors, he holds hands, he makes sure that the lady is on the inside of the sidewalk (if you don't know what that means you are very young), he pushes in the ladies chair, he loves to GO, he enjoys a "Sunday drive", and he makes me laugh.

WE ... Bill and I are trying to figure out life. Life would be much easier if we had one less house, one less cat, one less box or two of Christmas decorations, one less box of pictures, and one less room of STUFF. We are happy, we love the others children, we treasure and love deeper than I could imagine our grandsons, we talk ... even about the hard stuff, we know the other had an amazing marriage that ended too soon, we pray together (I even know the Mary prayers), we talk about money and finance, we know the errors made or what we'd have done different in our "previous life" (as Bill calls it), we vacation well together (he drives, I sleep).

It's not to say that Bill doesn't miss Jeannie, or I don't miss Doug. We honor those memories, but if we decide to live in one house, we can only have two people living in that house. We grieve the loss, we have moments where we miss our spouses. He so wishes that his grandson could be held, just once by Grandma Jeannie. I so wish just once my grandson could play catch with Grandpa Doug. But the reality is that that is not going to happen. We honor our spouses by telling our grandsons of their laughter, happiness, quirks, green dinosaurs, sense of humor ... but we also honor our grandsons, children, family and friends, by moving forward, being happy, and living life to the fullest.

So ... Now you know a bit about Bill ... a very dear man who loves me for me and puts up with my antics at quilt stores :)

Until Soon,
Vic

I'm Back

I've missed this outlet immensely ... but the things in my heart and the things I'd think about writing sometimes, well frequently, involve other people, and how do I write my thoughts about others. So I didn't write ... but I think it's been a bad mistake. Writing for those first two years of my widow journey were so helpful, so therapeutic, so enlightening to myself that when I thought I was "better" I stopped. Hmmmmmm not sure that was wise. When I was ready to write it included others like my sweet William, or the two years of illness my sister Barb suffered through and the journey of a caregiver. Or how life has changed ... somethings I've loved, some things I have hated.

So today ... today I am writing about my birthday, July 8. I've never really looked forward to my birthday. As a little girl there were too many years without a birthday cake, cuz it was too hot to heat the house up with the oven. As a little girl sometimes my birthday felt sandwiched into the 4th of July ... we were all together so let's just celebrate it then. As a new wife, married to the man of my dreams, we were too broke for him to send flowers, buy diamonds or jewels, and then that habit stuck. Then things started getting much better ... and then I became a widow.

My kids have always been generous and sweet for my birthday ... they recall the years of me getting a garden weasel, a pocket knife with a light on it, and some other memorable gifts. BUT ... For my birthday in 2013 I received a blue baby sleeper from Brandon and Blair ... that was pretty incredible. Last year Nolan took me shopping to my favorite quilt shop, he paid the bill. April frequently gives me a gift certificate to my favorite online quilt shop, sends flowers, picks out an elegant perfume ... so I am and have always been blessed ... just some times the self centered, I want what I want litte girl comes out.

BIRTHDAYS ... Birthdays with Bill Kyle, my sweet "boy"friend ... he's like a little boy when it comes to giving gifts. He cannot wait. I've gotten some spectacular gifts from him, but like with my kids and family ... it's not really the "gift" so much as the thought and love put with it. So this year, let me tell you about my birthday gift ... it started on:

WEDNESDAY - with a beautiful little box from his favorite jeweler. He couldn't wait until Saturday, he picked it out, he wanted me to have it. So I opened it, a little hesitant, it was such a small square box ... EARRINGS :) I teased him that my birthday wasn't for two more days. He smiled, laughed and said this is it!

THURSDAY - While having lunch with him at work I received a beautiful, beautiful bouquet of flowers ... roses, white double stock, Gerbera daisies, and carnations ... beautiful! I joked with him again and said, "I can't wait for tomorrow's surprise" ... he said there isn't any more sweetie.

FRIDAY - Birthday cake at work, beautifully decorated with flowers ... and ice cream! Surprise #3 ... ... He does this for all of his employees :)

So I told him I could not wait for my real birthday surprise ... he shook his head, and said, "Really, there are no more gifts or surprises."

SATURDAY - My real birthday! First off, my Omaha family of 4 drove home late Friday night ... that was a wonderful surprise! Second ... there was a parade on my birthday (Ok ... so this was for July Jubilee, but it did go right past my house) ... THIRD ... his grandson and son, Liam and Todd, came up for a swimming pool party with my grandson and kids. AND ... AND ... He worked with my kids and surprised me with a great gift ... a family photo shoot, planned and on the calendar in September ... AND ... AND ... AND ... his beautiful girls came to my house and we had a huge "family" birthday dinner. Complete with cake and all. The grandsons, Liam and Wyatt, played baseball with the big "kids" ... Bill and Brandon cooked dinner ... and I just glowed in the joy of being with many of the ones I love most.

Few women find the man of their dreams ... I found mine, shared almost 31 years with him as his wife. In a sudden accident and breath stopping moment he left this world. Two years later I found another. As my sister Barb said, two years ago, "It's not fair that you get to have two." I agree it's not fair, but damn I'm lucky!

Thank you to facebook friends and family for all the birthday love. Thank you to my friends and kids for the wonderful gift, phone calls, texts, and hugs. Thank you to Bill's kids for spending your Saturday night with me. And thank you to sweet William ... it was a glorious birthday. I love you all!

Until soon,
Vickie