So the 9th of May ... I've been going to write about it ... not sure what to say. It was as perfect as that day could be ... for me anyway.
What did I do? I woke at 6ish, and the first thing I did was turn the radio on, the first words out of the radio was Colin Ray singing, "between now and then, till I see you again ... I'll be loving you, Love, Me." ... I kid you not ... those were the first words I heard that very morning. Then:
I texted my babies and told them I loved them and thanked them for being amazing people and for showing me the way. You see in their darkest, deepest, saddest days, they've shown grace, love, honor, and true Doug Zobel style ... he would be so proud of his sons and daughter! Then:
I texted my sister, Deb, told her I was having prayers with Pastor Bill at 8:30. She should call Barb and let her know that if they wanted to come over, we were starting at 8:30 and I had a work meeting at 9. So my sisters came, two dear friends came, and Pastor Bill came. We prayed for my kids, for their journey, for the journey of the next 12 months, for the journey of continued healing, we prayed for all those who have stood beside us in this journey, our strong support. Then:
We shared scriptures, the first was one that was upon my heart, I couldn't remember much, except for suffering, endurance hope and faith. Pastor Bill knew immediately. The scripture I thought about is Romans 5:1-6 Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have[a] peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. 3 And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; 4 and perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us. Then:
We shared John 11 ... look it up, read the story of Lazarus and his death. Martha and Mary both say to Jesus, "If you had been here, my brother would not have died." Wow! Tell me we haven't all thought those very thoughts. And we shared something from 1st Thessalonians 4:13-18 (I think). Then:
Then we went to the garage, where Doug's journey into God's heavenly arms began. The six of us prayed ... I don't remember much of what was said, for it was peaceful to my heart, but it was my moment of utter sadness on that day. Pastor Bill prayed, then he paused for quiet and for any who wished to offer up a prayer ... and my sister Barb prayed a most beautiful prayer, followed and concluded by my sister Deb with another beautiful and meaningful prayer. And all God's people said, "AMEN." ... we shared hugs and a small bit of laughter ... but we left the garage ... and that is just what it is ... it is my garage and that prayer gave it peace. It is no longer where Doug died, it's just a garage. Then:
I went to my meeting. Then:
I went to Dielectric for a memorial lunch in memory of Doug ... I had lunch with the folks he worked side by side for over 30 years. It was such a blessing, such a fun way to honor him. Then:
It was back home to clean as quick as possible and Kandie came with hugs and bling; then Anna, then Pam, then Pastor Randy, then Julie (who bought us pizza), then Deb and Bill, then Kari, then Daryl, then JB and Sue, then Kathy, and my brother called me, all my kids called me that day. (I might have this in the wrong order, I might have forgotten someone, and I'm sorry if I did). Then:
I ended the evening talking to my oldest son ...
And I got a beautiful letter from Doug's cousin Michelle ... she's an amazing lady! I got some beautiful cards from so many friends. I got a rose from another friend. And I got hugged ... a lot!
As I've said ... that day, May 9th, 2013, was just another of the past 365 days. It was far easier for me than my kids ... because each and every day, I wake up in our house alone, I go to bed in our bed alone, I cook a meal for myself, I talk to Sig (Doug and Nolan's cat), I listen to the quiet of the house that used to be "filled" with Doug.
But to each of you who prayed, called, stopped by, thought of us, texted, "facebooked", or emailed ... you were prayed for that day, a prayer returning strength and peace to each of you, for as you all grieve the loss of friend or family member, as you grieve the loss of Doug, you've found the strength to lift me and mine up ... and so that day, May 9, 2013, I wanted you to feel a tiny bit of that strength being returned to you from us. The last year would not have been bearable without each of you, our friends and family!
You have honored my Doug ... and it will never be forgotten.
With love, until soon,
vic
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
One Year ... Let's Reclaim The Day Together
I will apologize right away ... this will probably be more "wandering" than properly written. I am so sorry Kari ... I know the punctuation and sentence structure will be so very lacking. But ... here's some wanderings from me to you all!
"What are you going to do on Thursday?" seemed to be the burning question the past few days. Well, tomorrow I hope to "give back" ...
Doug was a humble man, who left this world way too soon ... way to soon for us, those who loved him most. But Doug left a lasting touch ... and I would guess that was his purpose on this earth. He was one of the most humble men I know. Every invention needed a little "adjustment", the lawn needed a little more trimming, the next project was "almost" good enough to start. One of his dear friends wrote in his planner that Doug was "successful" ... that was one of the words he wrote on the day Doug died. And it is proof positive one year later ... because so many of you continue to lift us up, carry us through and walk our walk. I think Doug would say that's the measure of someone's success.
So I am going to "give back" tomorrow ... nothing big, nothing wild and crazy ... but here's my plan.
At 8:30 a.m. I plan to pray ... have a little scripture, and pray for peace. Peace in our hearts as we close the chapter on this first year. Peace in our hearts as we find our way out of sorrow into joys yet unknown. Prayer is powerful, I've felt yours for the past year ... so tomorrow, my prayers will be about each of you ... each of us. Because we have to continue to move forward, and with healing comes hope, and with hope comes joy and with joy comes understanding and peace.
At 9:00 I have a meeting at school ... a meeting about a Summer Feeding Program for children ... it's exciting and daunting all at the same time.
At 11 a.m. I'm heading home to pick up Doug's work shoes, head to Dielectric ... they have planned a memorial potluck lunch. He worked there almost as long as we were married ... he has a few "work spouses" down there that I think miss him ... so we will have lunch in memory of Doug.
Then I'm heading home to clean a little, as best as I can. And from 3 p.m. and on it's "game on" ... for anyone who'd like to stop over for a chat, hug, smile, tear, laugh ... I'll be here ... Now, with that said ... don't be leaving me waiting and hanging out alone! If you want to stop in for a hug, a smile, share a memory, or even just a drive by and honk your horn ... Because tomorrow we will all reclaim the day. How?
We will celebrate life ... May 9th of 2012 is the day that took our breath away. But May 9, 2013, it's the day we remember, remember to breathe ... remember ice fishing stands, Bena, MN, Brainerd, MN, cut fingers and almost fainting, puppies all tied up nigh nigh, ducks on the pond, salsa anybody? hold this ok, Mark and Doug playing beer pong for the first time, "we'll show them" after 17 hands of 500 and the men finally winning, bonfires the size of a mountain in the back yard, curve balls that go wrong, boys in clothes baskets flying down the steps, proposing in a parking lot, making out on first dates, painting little girl fingernails, making wood projects, and a thousand other memories.
Tomorrow is day 365 without Doug, without husband, without Daddy, without brother, brother-in-law, friend and buddy ... And we've figured most of it out and he'd be so proud of us all. So tomorrow morning, pause with us around 8:30 or 9 a.m. and after you say a little prayer for me and mine, you and yours ... think of the moment Doug made you laugh. Because that is living ...
Doug lost his dad when he was 25 ... not many people really ever thought about that. And he would say each year, "Well, it's been x amount of years." ... and then he'd say, "Do you remember when ... " So Doug has shown us the way ... the way to be humble, the way to live life in the face of sadness, the way to move forward, the way to "reclaim" the day.
Tomorrow night ... well it's "Holy Thursday" for a lot of men ... but tomorrow night at about 5:30ish p.m. I'm going to order some pizza ... who's in????? I don't promise not to cry, but I do promise to share a giggle or two. Because Doug loved laughter!
I love you Doug ... and you still take my breath away ... rest in peace.
until soon,
vic
"What are you going to do on Thursday?" seemed to be the burning question the past few days. Well, tomorrow I hope to "give back" ...
Doug was a humble man, who left this world way too soon ... way to soon for us, those who loved him most. But Doug left a lasting touch ... and I would guess that was his purpose on this earth. He was one of the most humble men I know. Every invention needed a little "adjustment", the lawn needed a little more trimming, the next project was "almost" good enough to start. One of his dear friends wrote in his planner that Doug was "successful" ... that was one of the words he wrote on the day Doug died. And it is proof positive one year later ... because so many of you continue to lift us up, carry us through and walk our walk. I think Doug would say that's the measure of someone's success.
So I am going to "give back" tomorrow ... nothing big, nothing wild and crazy ... but here's my plan.
At 8:30 a.m. I plan to pray ... have a little scripture, and pray for peace. Peace in our hearts as we close the chapter on this first year. Peace in our hearts as we find our way out of sorrow into joys yet unknown. Prayer is powerful, I've felt yours for the past year ... so tomorrow, my prayers will be about each of you ... each of us. Because we have to continue to move forward, and with healing comes hope, and with hope comes joy and with joy comes understanding and peace.
At 9:00 I have a meeting at school ... a meeting about a Summer Feeding Program for children ... it's exciting and daunting all at the same time.
At 11 a.m. I'm heading home to pick up Doug's work shoes, head to Dielectric ... they have planned a memorial potluck lunch. He worked there almost as long as we were married ... he has a few "work spouses" down there that I think miss him ... so we will have lunch in memory of Doug.
Then I'm heading home to clean a little, as best as I can. And from 3 p.m. and on it's "game on" ... for anyone who'd like to stop over for a chat, hug, smile, tear, laugh ... I'll be here ... Now, with that said ... don't be leaving me waiting and hanging out alone! If you want to stop in for a hug, a smile, share a memory, or even just a drive by and honk your horn ... Because tomorrow we will all reclaim the day. How?
We will celebrate life ... May 9th of 2012 is the day that took our breath away. But May 9, 2013, it's the day we remember, remember to breathe ... remember ice fishing stands, Bena, MN, Brainerd, MN, cut fingers and almost fainting, puppies all tied up nigh nigh, ducks on the pond, salsa anybody? hold this ok, Mark and Doug playing beer pong for the first time, "we'll show them" after 17 hands of 500 and the men finally winning, bonfires the size of a mountain in the back yard, curve balls that go wrong, boys in clothes baskets flying down the steps, proposing in a parking lot, making out on first dates, painting little girl fingernails, making wood projects, and a thousand other memories.
Tomorrow is day 365 without Doug, without husband, without Daddy, without brother, brother-in-law, friend and buddy ... And we've figured most of it out and he'd be so proud of us all. So tomorrow morning, pause with us around 8:30 or 9 a.m. and after you say a little prayer for me and mine, you and yours ... think of the moment Doug made you laugh. Because that is living ...
Doug lost his dad when he was 25 ... not many people really ever thought about that. And he would say each year, "Well, it's been x amount of years." ... and then he'd say, "Do you remember when ... " So Doug has shown us the way ... the way to be humble, the way to live life in the face of sadness, the way to move forward, the way to "reclaim" the day.
Tomorrow night ... well it's "Holy Thursday" for a lot of men ... but tomorrow night at about 5:30ish p.m. I'm going to order some pizza ... who's in????? I don't promise not to cry, but I do promise to share a giggle or two. Because Doug loved laughter!
I love you Doug ... and you still take my breath away ... rest in peace.
until soon,
vic
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
April's Wanderings - Hurt & Love From a Daughter's Heart
I have been thinking about guest blogging for sometime on
mom’s site… because she writes so well and speaks such truth that I can’t quite
seem to put as eloquently. But lately,
my mind keeps wandering… my heart hurts and the tears seem to fall a bit easier.
I told a friend a few weeks ago – “I’ not going to
memorialize the day of my dad’s death. It doesn’t seem fitting or right. I miss
him everyday – just not on May 9th.” And I must admit- I stood firm
to those words. I really did. Until that week rolled around…
A best friend of mine who has walked this journey with me
said something that I have to share….when I told her I was having a hard time
with the week and couldn’t figure out why – she said:
“It's just a weird feeling that is hard to describe. I know
I've processed their deaths, but it is like this yucky cloud that just looms
around that time. I hate it. The strange thing with anniversaries is that, at
least in my situation, I don't feel their loss measurably more on that specific
day than another day...the dull pain can always be found regardless of the
date...it just makes you relive the horror you experienced that actual day.”
I cherish this friend.. because those words escaped me. But
right now- my pain feels a little validated and understood.
You see – some think…”it’s just a day”… but that day means: Its ONE year since time stood still. It’s a
day that marks ONE YEAR since a family, friends, town and world lost a man that
was so much to so many.
 |
| A picture of dad with his brand new smart phone! Texting! |
But I’m writing this because I lost MY DAD. A year ago I sat
at a computer and did the unimaginable. I wrote a form of eulogy for my dad’s
funeral. It all seems so surreal… still. It all seems so unfair. STILL. ONE
YEAR LATER… I know that forever I will have moments when I miss my dad. Hell- I
have them daily. And each season has brought its own triumphs and struggles. I
miss my dad most when I’m sitting outside – for no reason other than that’s
what we did… we sat on the deck and talked over a beer while he grilled. We played
catch - from age 3 to almost 30 we
tossed the ball around…and loved the “zip” I could get on a hard toss. We rode
bikes. We swam. We sat around bonfires. We went to Twins games… oh how those
Twins games make me miss that man… you see- my dad learned to text – near the
later years of his life… and there wasn’t anything I liked more on a random
Tuesday night… I would sit at my spot at the Quaff – watch the game and text
WITH MY DAD about the game! He always had a funny comment or insight that could
make me smile from the inside on out.
Those are just a FEW of the million times I have felt that
twinge of pain. This spring seems to have triggered the memories of a year
ago…it’s the moment that defines my life right now… I remember exactly how that
day “went down”… I remember nearly every minute of the days that led to his
funeral. I remember thinking- how in the hell are we gonna do this.
But – ONE YEAR LATER. I am so proud. I am sad. But more so,
I am proud. My family – specifically the 5 of us, have conquered a year of
firsts with grace and love. I can say that I have never felt closer to my
siblings, to my mother and my sister in law and her family. I have never felt
closer to my friends that have held me up. I have NEVER loved a town more than
I have grown to love Lake Mills…. It is a town that has wrapped my family up in
its arms and never let go… ONE YEAR later the town is still caring for all of
us.
You see – the moral of this story is that – THIS SUCKS…
losing a parent- specifically a dad… more specifically my dad… SUCKS. But I am
reminded of how lucky I am and was to have a dad like him. A dad that I miss
more than words. A dad that loved me with his whole heart and then some. A dad
that would show me in everyway how much he loved me. A dad that was proud –
like buttons bursting proud of me and my brothers. You see- I’m lucky. But to
this day- there is that pain that I’m not ready to let go of yet… I’m not quite
ready to give up the tears and the stomach wrenching, longing feeling. Because
I worry that once I give up that pain that I hold on to- his death won’t be as
tragic. Sounds silly and I can’t believe I am writing it… but its truth.
So I’m going to relive that moment on Thursday – I’m going
to wake up- and say a prayer that my dad will forever watch over me and my
family…that I will FOREVER feel his pride and love- just like I do a year after
he left this earth.
If you don’t follow me on facebook- I want to note that I
posted a song the other day- its called “Happy on the Hey Now” by Kenny
Chesney. The song is about a young gal, Kristi,
who passed away too soon- ‘HEY NOW’
is the boat that she was always on… its funny because this song is
exactly what I needed to hear last week.. and it so reminds me of my dad… I
replace her name with my dad’s and the beach things in the song and picture him
on the lake… this verse is my favorite:
++
I hope time can be our healer, maybe time can be a friend,
Still I'm a strong
believer, someday we'll see you again,
Where the sun is on
our faces and the wind is at our back,
Sailing south to our
favorite places, where the water's calm and flat
++
Here is the link to the song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oezosMKNTxY
In closing- I ask that you take a moment on Thursday to send
up a prayer or happy thoughts for all of us – family and friends (maybe even
for you)… because this PAST YEAR has taught me that I have not survived it on
my own… the prayers and love from so many friends and family have carried us
through.
So thanks for letting me crash the blog…
Warm thoughts –
April…. His PUNKIN
P.S. from vic ... "That's my daughter, and she's just like her brothers ... and I am so stinkin proud to say they are ours ... Doug's and mine!" Love you punkin, thanks for being a blog crasher!
Sunday, May 5, 2013
I am a widow
I didn't really think about "the year" ... not as in planning ... until my sister asked me what my plan was. To be honest my plan was to take one day at a time, just like I have for the last 11 months and three weeks. I hadn't really thought about it, and now it's what I think about a lot. Not sure if I should tell her thank you, or smack her one. I have a meeting planned for 9 a.m. that morning, I've thought about rescheduling it, but really ... what am I going to do, sit home, or lay in bed, and think about all that's been taken from me? I'm not sure that I need to do that ... I live it.
I've thought long and hard about May 9, 2013 ... I've thought about some magnificent way to reclaim the day! And really ... haven't come up with anything. My boys are coming home for Mother's Day Weekend ... and to help me haul some junk to the dumpster. I don't think they are coming home because it is "that" weekend. Don't get me wrong, it's never far from our hearts and minds.
I think that there will be sadness and tears for the rest of my life ... I think it will decrease in frequency ... and will become more situational or event induced. So trust me when I say I'm naïve, I know full well what the years to come might be like. But ...
Two weeks ago on Wednesday, as I drove to my first annual meeting as the Executive Director of LMCDC, I fought tears and I do mean fought ... Doug would have been with me, he would have helped me set up, he would have sat in his chair, beer in hand, and smiled. And at the end, he would have walked up to me, kissed me, and said, "Good job hon, that was great!" He would have been beaming from ear to ear, so proud of his wife ... so I know full well, even if I "reclaim" the day ... it doesn't stop the tears.
As I went to eat dinner one night last week, (YES ... I cooked) ... I almost said, "Hon, dinner's ready." Old habits, even a year later and I sometimes forget that he is gone, that my 32 year routine is shattered and different. And the tears fell.
As I think about this spring ... the change in weather (other than our snowmaggedon) ... and the open windows, the thunder and lightening ... I wonder who will calm me down? Who will get up in the middle of the night and close windows, so I don't have to? Who will be my protector and hero? Who will tell me it's going to be ok? Who will keep me safe when I am scared?
And as my wise old youngest son would tell me ... "He's always here mom, he's with us all the time." And I sometimes stomp my foot and I say, "No, he IS NOT!" And he smiles, and he says to me, "Yes, HE IS." So I guess I must learn from my children as they walk this path, I have to remember that he IS always here, he will keep me safe, for he IS with the ONE who can. Probably better practice what I preach.
So as I go into this week ... I think of nothing more than the anniversary of my sweet husband's death. There isn't a day that doesn't go by that I don't think about what the future will be like without him. There isn't a day that I don't think about the journey of our kids lives, without their daddy. And just like the last 361 days ... I will get through Thursday, reclaiming it with strength, for you see ... this I know, "I am a 51 year old woman, I AM a widow ... but I think I need to continue to choose if that defines me, or if I define it ...
For I am a daughter,
I am a mother
I am a sister
I am a friend
I am a director
I am a lay preacher
I am so much more than a widow
I am a widow, I'm not afraid of that word, we use it around my house now and again, but ... I am the sad and grieving wife of Doug Zobel ... and he would not like me to walk around dwelling on "the widow" ... he would love for me to be strong, in his likeness; he would like me to plan a future, even without him in it; and he would want our children to remember him with laughter and love ... for they were the light of his life, and he would want only happiness for each of them ... well that and a grandchild at some point would be nice!
I'm not sure what Thursday will bring, perhaps if the weather cooperates, maybe I'll be sitting on the deck and if you wanna stop by and say hello ... I would not be opposed. I'll keep ya'll posted.
until soon,
vic
I've thought long and hard about May 9, 2013 ... I've thought about some magnificent way to reclaim the day! And really ... haven't come up with anything. My boys are coming home for Mother's Day Weekend ... and to help me haul some junk to the dumpster. I don't think they are coming home because it is "that" weekend. Don't get me wrong, it's never far from our hearts and minds.
I think that there will be sadness and tears for the rest of my life ... I think it will decrease in frequency ... and will become more situational or event induced. So trust me when I say I'm naïve, I know full well what the years to come might be like. But ...
Two weeks ago on Wednesday, as I drove to my first annual meeting as the Executive Director of LMCDC, I fought tears and I do mean fought ... Doug would have been with me, he would have helped me set up, he would have sat in his chair, beer in hand, and smiled. And at the end, he would have walked up to me, kissed me, and said, "Good job hon, that was great!" He would have been beaming from ear to ear, so proud of his wife ... so I know full well, even if I "reclaim" the day ... it doesn't stop the tears.
As I went to eat dinner one night last week, (YES ... I cooked) ... I almost said, "Hon, dinner's ready." Old habits, even a year later and I sometimes forget that he is gone, that my 32 year routine is shattered and different. And the tears fell.
As I think about this spring ... the change in weather (other than our snowmaggedon) ... and the open windows, the thunder and lightening ... I wonder who will calm me down? Who will get up in the middle of the night and close windows, so I don't have to? Who will be my protector and hero? Who will tell me it's going to be ok? Who will keep me safe when I am scared?
And as my wise old youngest son would tell me ... "He's always here mom, he's with us all the time." And I sometimes stomp my foot and I say, "No, he IS NOT!" And he smiles, and he says to me, "Yes, HE IS." So I guess I must learn from my children as they walk this path, I have to remember that he IS always here, he will keep me safe, for he IS with the ONE who can. Probably better practice what I preach.
So as I go into this week ... I think of nothing more than the anniversary of my sweet husband's death. There isn't a day that doesn't go by that I don't think about what the future will be like without him. There isn't a day that I don't think about the journey of our kids lives, without their daddy. And just like the last 361 days ... I will get through Thursday, reclaiming it with strength, for you see ... this I know, "I am a 51 year old woman, I AM a widow ... but I think I need to continue to choose if that defines me, or if I define it ...
For I am a daughter,
I am a mother
I am a sister
I am a friend
I am a director
I am a lay preacher
I am so much more than a widow
I am a widow, I'm not afraid of that word, we use it around my house now and again, but ... I am the sad and grieving wife of Doug Zobel ... and he would not like me to walk around dwelling on "the widow" ... he would love for me to be strong, in his likeness; he would like me to plan a future, even without him in it; and he would want our children to remember him with laughter and love ... for they were the light of his life, and he would want only happiness for each of them ... well that and a grandchild at some point would be nice!
I'm not sure what Thursday will bring, perhaps if the weather cooperates, maybe I'll be sitting on the deck and if you wanna stop by and say hello ... I would not be opposed. I'll keep ya'll posted.
until soon,
vic
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)