So I'm not so sure I'm mad ... at least not the kind of mad it sounds like. As I read the text for this week in church ... seriously God ... First Corinthians 13:1-13? Faith, hope and love ... and the greatest of these is love. Are you serious? That was the lesson at our wedding 33 years ago, it's what I based my message at Doug's funeral on ... and now, when I'm sad and lonesome and missing him ... God in his infinite wisdom has it as the scripture for Sunday morning when I preach. Again, I say, SERIOUSLY?
For those of you who don't know ... my daddy is going to be 90 on the 22nd of this month. He is in the Care Center, he isn't doing great, and we know that we are on borrowed time as we fight to keep the fluid off his chest and lungs, we damage his kidney. So ... I head to the Center almost every day ... and we've had some wonderful visits ... visits about all he's seen in his lifetime, about grandkids and how proud he is of them, about life and health. He's ready, almost; I'm ready, almost; but dang it, he's my daddy and I don't want him to ever go.
There are a few other issues in my family that is weighing on my heart and it's not things I can talk about ... just pray for the Zobel family and extended family. We can all use your collective prayers as we forge ahead.
It's odd to me ... how I can be doing so well, feel good, have smiles, and then the next moment be moved to tears ... running down my face with no control what-so-ever. Let me "list" a few things for you:
- Last week I got my paycheck ... and I just wanted to go show it to Doug
- On the way home from Des Moines today, I just wanted to call the house and tell Doug I'm on my way home, and tell him about my first conference
- There's a LOT of ice on my driveway ... I want to ask him what should I do?
- When I leave the nursing home, I wish he was going to be home to hold me when I'm sad about losing my dad a little bit each day. (He's doing great right now, but we all know it's on our hearts)
- When I accomplish something, I just want to pick up the phone and tell him
- When I get compliments, I just want to race home and tell Doug
- I just want him to come home now!
- Suzi wrote a beautiful post on Facebook ... and I just want him to be up north with the Pout Brothers ... fishing, drinking, laughing, and enjoying. He loved every minute he spent with those men ... the memories of a lifetime for him
- When it's dark outside, and the garbage needs to go out, I know he'd run it out there
- When it's time to cook dinner at night ... I want to take out two plates and make him dinner
- Doug has been on my heart a lot this past month or two ... in a heavy, lonesome sort of way. I love you dear!
So ...
There ...
That's the heaviness of my heart these days ... So prayer warriors, friends, and family ... pray for me and mine. That we will be blessed with abundance of joy, with good news, with sweeter days. Because truly and honestly ... I do so need it. And truly and honestly ... I do know that the greatest of these is love ... because without great and amazing love, you can't feel the bluest of days.
Until soon,
vic
I so wish I could change things and make it all like it was. I'm praying for you. Love you lots!
ReplyDeleteLove you heaps to Michelle ... I know there's an empty spot in your heart and home. He thought of you as a sister and Kevin was his brother from another mother.
DeleteI miss uncle Doug too. I wish it were different! Love you Vickie!!
ReplyDeleteI wish it were too sweetie ... but we will move forward and remember all that he was to us :)
DeleteLove you K-Dawg
I just thought you should know i love your blog and you are my hero. I am not sure if thats the right thing to say but living in a world of disconnected, insensitive people - its nice to know there are still beautiful people out there.
ReplyDeleteso thank you for being brave enough to share. I hope you know how amazing I think you are.
sending my thoughts and prayers.
Thank you ... I hope it brings courage, enlightenment and healing ... not sure if it's for all the readers or for me :)
DeleteVickie, you know I understand completely. I went to see a grief councelor this past week. It isn't mental health counseling just practical advice and understanding. We are at one of those hard plateaus again and going forward as we approach our "dates". You can call your local Hospice-even if no one you know has ever been in Hospice for counseling at no charge. Just to have someone who understands is nice. Someone who let's you know you are not losing your mind and can help in a practical way is lovely.
ReplyDeleteJulie,
DeleteI'm so glad that you found some practical and understanding ears. I have a world class mental health counselor, she's my sister. Actual licensed therapist. She agrees that Hospice has some great services and trust me, if I get any "crazier" I'll be searching for enlightenment. For now ... I embrace the sadness, I plow through it, I pray and I write ... each time I write, I feel a small bit of healing!
Hugs and prayers ... I know you won't lose your mind, you have too many friends that will retrieve it and bring it back to you :)
V
I miss you, I love you- you and yours are always in my prayers. At the very least, hoping you will someday realize there are a few more good days and moments between each of the bad.
ReplyDelete