Strength & Weakness

I've heard from so many people about how strong they perceive me to be. I think I am strong, I think I put on a good face of being strong, and I do truly hold tight to my faith. So I've shared my strongest moments, I write from the heart, and I ramble from somewhere even deeper. Well this weekend I was weak, had moments of strength, but truly felt so very alone and weak.

Friday afternoon my dear friend, Joan, and I worked on a quilt ... I took a break from the quilting, and went outside to water the plants and flowers. As I was watering I looked up to the roof, saw the Christmas lights, and the tears started, "He's not going to be here this year" and so I finished the watering with tears streaming down my face. Back in the house I decided to work on the quilt a little bit longer, while watching the Opening Ceremonies of the 2012 Olympics. Again, the flood gates opened, because Doug had been looking so forward to the Olympics, and he's not here. As I finished up the quilt, reminded that this was a quilt that Doug had picked out a number of years ago, the physical ache and flood of tears seemed to overtake me.



Courthouse Steps, pattern by Glad Creations
Fabrics are Batiks, and it's a quilt that Doug had picked out.

  My sister, Deb, called the next morning and I told her that it was a different kind of ache, a different kind of sadness, than what has been ever present the past 11 weeks, this was a loving, deep, aching loss ... I miss him more each and every day.  This ache wasn't that piercing pain that came those first weeks, trying to comprehend that he had died. This was an ache, a sadness, because this is real ... he really isn't coming home. So, as I cried and cried, I decided to put to a test something a therapist had told me, "You have to stop crying eventually, because you will have to pee." Sooooooooooo ... as I sat in the bathroom peeing, I wanted to call my sister and say "I'm still crying!!!!!" And that actually made me giggle and the crying subsided.

I've read all your comments in the past three or four posts ... and you've all brought me such comfort, brought me some food for thought! Time will heal, but even when you heal from surgery, there is a scar left behind, and Cindy said, that that scar is a reminder. So as I heal, the pain in my heart is a reminder of a great love, of a life filled with laughter, and a life so very blessed by one of the best men I know.

God has a plan for me ... and all I need to do right now is trust, have faith in the one who holds me close.

Until soon,
vic

P.S. I know that some of you will not agree that it is a "weakness" ... I don't think so either, but it is a contrast and comparison. :)

A Job Well Done

Back on May 22nd I posted about the memory garden we have on the south side of the garage, if you go back to this post about a good day, you will see a picture of the garden and the backdrop is my garage. It was so in need of paint. On June 26 I think, two very amazing friends gave up an entire day to help me. I'm not sure that Joan or Kari knew what they were getting into, I know I sure didn't!

Joan and I started around 9 a.m. scraping ... not my favorite job. Kari came over around noon after she finished work (I don't think she wanted to scrape ... ha ha ha). Then came the primer, really not my favorite part of the project. We especially didn't like the primer when we began painting and realized we still had to do two coats of paint to cover the light blue primer.



Think it needed to be painted?



Now, not that I'm tattling or anything, but I got called sloppy by a certain someone, and it wasn't Kari. Gosh we giggled over my lack of skills! And you know, that lack of skills, got me out of a lot of painting the last 30 some years ... but not that day.



Joan - Inspector General!

Three women scraped, primed, painted (mostly two coats), took off the gutters, scrubbed them, and put them back up ... yes with POWER TOOLS! It was hard work, very hard, it was exhilarating, empowering and bittersweet to finish a project that Doug and I had planned to do.

I don't have a picture of Kari, but again, not tattling, but I think she might have wore more paint than me that day ... and I wore a lot. Joan didn't wear any, well except for the little bit I dripped on her ... show-off!

And as the day closed, exhausted and feeling like we had conquered the world ... we three women grilled some chicken, opened a bottle of wine, and enjoyed a short visit!



Finishing up the gutters, yes, we three women hung the gutters back up and they are still up there!
Doesn't it look nice? I sure think so!

Thank you Joan Krull and Kari Wagner ... what a fun day ~ love you both!

Until soon,
vic

Haves and Have Nots

First I HAVE to thank each of you who sent me private messages or left posts on the last post. Truly this is just my wanderings and if by some miracle I soothe your soul, touch your heart, heal your hurt, or make you laugh ... it's just the frosting on the cake. Thank you to all who have started reading my wanderings ... some day I hope it's about joy, happiness, and great days.

The title for this post has been running through my head this week. As each day I try so very hard to find peace, joy or blessings. I think that some days it would be far easier to just pout, sit and stew and embrace the sadness that overcomes us at the strangest times. One day I decided to think about all the things that I HAVE, to count my blessings and these are some things that I pondered on:

I have not got a husband any longer, but I HAVE the most amazing gifts from that man ... our three children. We have not been able to say that there is great joy in our lives, but WE HAVE found joy in little moments, like a new girlfriend, a trip to Portland, new vehicles, or the most simple, best memory of my almost two week vacation to see all three kids this past month ... I got to lay in bed and HAVE slumber parties with each of my kids. I would go to bed, and one or two would come and lay with me and we'd just talk, they'd bid me good night, give me a strong hug and go off to bed ... I treasure those moments.

I have not got my kids close by, but I HAVE a great family. I HAVE my oldest sister who is my traffic helicopter, she was in BlackHawk down mode the first 2 weeks, swooping in and taking out anyone who was a "danger" to her sissy, and now she just hovers and makes sure that there aren't any "snags". I HAVE a brother-in-law who's a hero and takes care of dead bats and putting up locks. I HAVE my older sister who calls, takes care of my house, cats and plants when I'm away, and is always there. I HAVE my older brother who is more than willing to mow, if only we'd get some rain :(

I have not figured out my new normal, but I HAVE been blessed with the most amazing group of people on the planet. This small town that we often complain about, "knowing everyone's business", has some of the most giving people that I could imagine. Truly supporting and loving me in the absence of my kids. I'd list all that they do, but the list is endless.

I have not figured out God's plan, but I HAVE felt his love and presence. When I sat at the funeral of John Larson, I again wondered why. I watched the deep sadness of those surrounding me and I wondered how can this happen, how could there be so much sadness. Then I remembered God's promise, he didn't promise a life without pain, but he did promise to be with me, to carry me through, no matter what comes my way. He promised that I'd never be alone ...

I have not figured out what's next, but I HAVE realized that each day brings more strength, I HAVE a stronger ability to move forward, and I HAVE a future, even thought I must be patient. I do know that God has a plan for me, plans to prosper and not harm ... and I grip that lifeline with all my might.

To be totally honest, my brain is like a pin ball in a rattling machine. This is where my thoughts are tonight:

• I wish that I had known week 10 and 11 were going to be this hard, the tears are never far
• Phone calls, texts, facebook messages, and cards ... I HAVE been blessed with it all and it truly soothes my soul
• I HAVE been back at the sewing machine ... it has felt so good to quilt and I missed it
• I HAVE enjoyed and felt empowered by doing my own lawn, doing big projects that Doug and I had planned
• It felt good just 8 words ago to say his name
• I HAVE returned to some Lay Preaching and it has been a blessing
• I HAVE the dress for the wedding ... YAY!!!
• I HAVE gone to the first of a few bridal showers for Brandon and Blair
• I HAVE a daddy, and that is such a bonus, but he needs our prayers as he fights some big old bleeding ulcers
• I miss Doug ... his laughter, his infectious smile, his ability to fix anything, his chatter about hits kids, his snoring, his mere presence and his love. On my 51st birthday a few weeks ago, I thought about "parking" with him on my 16th birthday ... 34 years of birthdays with him wasn't quite enough.

I think there are far more HAVES than have nots in this post ... I am blessed and we are 11 weeks out, and we are going to be ok, we just need to breathe through the pain and let time heal.

until soon,
vic

A Test of Faith

Yesterday started out so "normal" ... then my sweet friend called, the news of a young man's death heavy on her heart. His wife, Tressa, my daughter's friend and classmate. My thoughts are a jumble, my heart aches for her, her children, his mother, their family ... but selfishly, I also am pulled back to 10 weeks ago. The feelings so raw, just below the surface.

Today I kept thinking about what Tressa's probably doing, but her job a little harder with three young babies at home. How does a mom help daddies little girl or daddies little man understand? At 50 it was hard to think about funeral plans, the service, visitation, and all that it entails, how does a 29 year old find her way. She shouldn't have to.

There's been so much tragedy ... it's tested my faith. The questions that surface: If God has a plan, why would this accident happen? If God has power, how could my kids, Tressa's kids, be without their daddy? If God knows when our time is up, why would he leave some of the miserable (bad) people on this planet, and take a kind, strong, amazing man? Is God's plan for me to be alone? Is God's plan for a 29 year old to find her way alone, parenting 3 young children? I have faith, I believe that God has plans for me, plans to prosper and not harm me ... I do believe it, I preach it ... but I struggle with it too.

God understands our pain, he's felt it. Thank goodness for his amazing grace as I find my way through this. My heart is aching for Tressa and her children ... the hardest part of my 10 weeks is watching my children greive and know I have no way to help them.

Praying for peace, understanding, and patience as I travel this unknown path.

Until soon,
vic

Frustrations, Funnies, Friends and Family

Here we are ... 2 months, 4 days out ... it's been 9 weeks and one day ... and thus far:

• Frustrations -
• I can plan for the big things that will hurt my heart, but it's all the little things that I can't prepare for, like the commercial on tv just now for the Summer Olympics. Bring on the tears ... Doug loved the Olympics.
• Figuring out how to go from a team to a person of one and get things done ... plus I still move on a little slower pace and have trouble staying focused.
• Finding things that I am looking for ... Doug could put his finger on it in an instant
• Funnies -
• Telling jokes that he would tell ...
• Catching myself putting the milk in the cereal cupboard
• Standing on a ladder, drill in hand, hanging gutters, and dodging a wasp
• Friends -
• Painting, cleaning closets, putting in air conditioners, washing my huge comforter, detailing cars
• Texts weekly, emails, invites for girls nights, phone calls, cards and notes
• Planning, arranging, helping with things that are beyond me
• I'd name them all ... but I'd forget someone and that would hurt my heart. I love each of you more than you know!
• Family -
• My neices and nephews, great neices and nephews ... trekking across the nation to come home and spend time in Iowa, not for me, for their Dad and Momma Deb ... but spent part of their day helping me today ... it was a glorious afternoon. The plants are all planted, the yard is ready for The Jube :)
• My sisters and brother and brother-in-law have been rocks ... always lending a hand when I need, mowing, cat watching, plant watering, bat killing, lock installing, to name just a few tasks. Sometimes just "helicoptering" to make sure that everything is "ok".
• My Poppy ... my dad has a heavy heart, but is coming around, has a few more smiles ... we pray that God keeps him healthy for a good long while
• My Kids ... I am so very blessed. Brandon & Blair, Nolan and April ... sometimes just a text can make my day, a phone call, or letting me spend 3 to 5 nights at their home. I always get those big huge hugs, going out of their way to spend time together ... They are amazing adults.

I've quilted a little ... and some day hope that this post has more about quilting, but for now ... this is where I can journal, jot down happenings, and keep my thoughts. Read if you like ...

What a great day ... God reminding me of my many, many blessings!
Until soon,
vic