"I'm no longer a wife, I'm no longer a mother, I'm just searching to find my purpose." Words from a character who's a widow on a TV show. Sounds dramatic, but it rang true with my heart these days. It's been a tough road for a month or two. I haven't pondered, wandered, or written, because I didn't know what to put on the page.
As I sat here tonight, watching a Hallmark show, those opening words were spoken, and I almost gasped. She stood in a doorway, thoughtful, and touched the height markings of her children. (I believe her sons are off with jobs.) Her husband died in an accident. Her life situation so similar to mine. She spoke out loud what I've been thinking, what I've been searching for the words to describe. It might sound a bit dramatic, but it rang so true to my heart.
We are coming up on 23 months since Doug has died, almost two years. Tough to imagine. Some days it feels like 3 weeks, some days it feels like 23 years, and some times ... I honestly almost forget, and then evening falls, and the lonesomeness returns.
It's been over a year since my poppy died. A few weeks ago we had a family meeting, then we started going through all of the pictures and very personal memorabilia of Mom and Dads. We started around 10:30 and finished at 4:30ish ... we looked at an entire lifetime of memories in six short hours. Picture after picture of three very important people that are no longer here, Dad, Mom and Doug. Along with grandparents that are gone. Picture after picture of my babies and niece from birth to teenage and beyond. Picture after picture of me and my siblings as we aged and lived life. Picture after picture of the lifetime I had with Doug. Funny, but it was a lifetime, it was his lifetime. But cut far to short.
I'm tired of being alone. Am I ready to "date"? Yes. No. Maybe. I think so. I can't imagine. I know it will take someone kind, with patience, with a great smile, a wonderful sense of humor and did I mention patience? Stop your gasping people ... I'm not writing a list of characteristics, just trying to imagine what it would take to go on a first date with me.
My oldest talked to me about moving. Moving south, Ames, Ankeny, Des Moines, Omaha, Kansas City ... he doesn't care. Just move closer! Am I ready to move. No. Maybe. Sure. No, not never, just not today.
In 23 months I haven't gotten to "choose" a number of life's circumstances. I've had to figure things out. I've tried really hard not to whine to loud. Tonight ... I can tell you that I've been very weary these last couple of months. It's time to kick myself in the butt, wipe my self off, and start all over again. This is my life, it is what it is, and there is no changing a lot of things.
Most of that was written a month ago ... much of it is still true. I haven't been here much, as I don't really have the words to describe or put on this screen. Color me blue.
Until soon,
Vic
