Eleven months ... In the last eleven months I thought lots about that dreadful day ... and yesterday at 8:30 I fought with the tears ... I let them fall ... and I felt that weak, "how", weary, alone sort of feeling, all the way to my bones. It was brief, and I sort of consciously had to choose in that moment ... fall apart and sob or embrace the feeling and move forward, get on with my day. Right about that moment my sweet and dearest friend sent me a text ... just to say, "Love you." Well ... I chose to embrace that moment, close my eyes, feel the tears, remember the shock of that day, feel the twinge of pain and then move on ... to life.
Not long after that my sister, Deb, called me. She was calling to check on me, lots of folks who know me, know that it's been a tough month. We talked for a bit ... some about her birthday next year ... when she reaches a "landmark" birthday :) Then she asked, "How are you?" Or something :) We talked for a bit, and she asked me what I was going to do next month ... May 9th, 2013, one year, one year of terror, sadness, sorrow, heartache, fright, tears, and weariness. She said some really amazing things about the way that I've handled this journey, and I can't remember ... but it was good therapy kind of stuff.
And then she asked me a question, or made a statement ... and really, all I remember is, "RECLAIM THE DAY" ... I remember she asked, "What are you going to do in a month?" I said, "Well, I'd guess I'll be working." She thought maybe I should take the day off, plan something to reclaim that day. And to be honest I don't remember allllllllll the things she said ... but in my brain I'm thinking that I need to find a way for that day to be filled with joy, just like every other day. I joked with her that maybe I'd get on a plane and go on a vacation. "Reclaim the day." Hmmmmmm!
And then ... then I started to think about what Doug would want from me. Doug would want me to laugh, because the man always had a joke to tell. Doug would want me to be cautious, because he was a worrier. Doug would want me to move forward, he wasn't one to sit and stew (worry yes, stew ... not so much). Doug would want the kids and I to enjoy every day, like we are trying. Doug would want me to live life, not wallow in sorrow. Doug would want me to continue to overcome, because he was a strong man. Doug would want me to show the kids the way, because he would take us by the hand and lead. And I think my sister is right, I think Doug would want me to Reclaim The Day ... So, I've been pondering how to turn the day when time stood still, into a day of of life, a day to celebrate the life of an amazing man.
A day when I remember his new journey, but not wallow in the sadness of it. A day that I can't imagine that I won't stop at 8:30 a.m. and remember my loss, but more important I'll celebrate the love. A day that I will remember calling my babies to tell them earth shattering news, but I will remember the dignity and honor they've given there Dad in this year of sorrow. A day when I will feel the tears run down my face, but I will feel the sun shine down on me ... a reminder that he is with the Son. Yes ... I must reclaim the day ... so I have a month to figure out how.
Now, I don't say much about people, try not to use names, but I have two sisters, and a brother. They each have uncanny ways of taking care of their baby sister ... my brother mows, plows snow, and helps when I need it. My other sister, Barb, is always there when I need help, a cat sitter, a chat, or some quilting fun. Barb called me yesterday, she'd won some cash, and wanted to take me to dinner. My brother stopped in for a visit about some family business. My friend, Pam, stopped for a quick chat. And Mark and Joan had dinner with Barb and I.
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| Doug's and My amazing family ... April 28, 2012 ~ Celebrating ... and look at that little snicker on my Doug! A joy filled day! |
until soon,
vic
