In the past 20 days ... there's been many times I've thought I need to blog, but each day at 10:30, I collapse into bed, looking back on the day and it's all a blur. I think I'll use my list technique ... because quite frankly my brain is on overdrive and perhaps it will help to heal, slow down my thoughts, and put me on a right pathway. Are you ready? Here goes:
- Dad has settled into the Care Center with such dignity and grace. He has a group of "girls" that he adores and that take such good care of him. When I ask who is CNA is or his nurse, he says, "I don't know the difference, what does it matter, they all take care of me." He truly receives such good care, and it's so good for a daughter's soul when he says, "I just love my girls." And he isn't talking about me or my sisters, although he tells us frequently :)
- We've had some scares with Dad ... he's been taken by ambulance twice to the hospital. The last time was scary, but it was a false alarm and he's some how better than ever. God is so good and reminds us constantly of his power and might.
- I've been kind of angry this past three weeks ... I'm not sure anger is a good word, perhaps as a book I've been reading says, "I've embraced the pain, the sadness."
- Whatever it is I'm angry that when I go somewhere I go alone.
- I have started noticing more and more that I'm a "widow" and it's been hard to swallow.
- I sometimes look at my friends with their spouses and feel so alone and I wonder "why me"
- I've had a few pity parties ... they haven't been much fun alone ... but I've had em. Poor, pitiful me ... alone and sad.
- I've laid on my bed, tear filled, wracking sobs ... so ready for him to come home
- I've sat on my bed and had a giggle or two at me and my pity parties. I guess you could say I've made fun of myself.
- I've looked in the mirror and wondered why ...
- I've prepared to preach my Sunday morning sermons and on Saturday told my pastors I'm not sure if I should be in the pulpit. I've spent some time angry at God. I work so hard to hang onto the faith that I have ... knowing as Jeremiah says, "God has plans for me to prosper and not harm." And as I preach my sermons I've had "ah ha" moments, almost like I'm preaching to myself.
- I've heard the pain in my kids voices as they call to check on Grandpa.
- I've listened to my beautiful daughter say, "I'm ready to be DONE! I'm just done now!" Just wanting happy days, less sadness, less to handle and take care of.
- Brandon and Blair are celebrating the uniting of their hearts, their new life in their very own first home together. They are heading for a honeymoon soon. They both have jobs that they enjoy (for the time being). And seeing them happy, in love, and together ... just brings me joy.
- April ... she keeps me hopping. She is starting a new job, a career move for her, and I'm so proud. She and Lena, my sweet grand dog, are rarely home. Between friends, business and outings, I'm not sure she has an apartment or if it's just a monthly hotel, where she lays her head to rest.
- Nolan ... is my steady "eddy" ... he's working hard, trying to take out trees, and enjoying his first home and job. He and Amy spend as much time together as they can.
- My dad, after scares with his health, scares that I actually asked a nurse, is this it? He's come through them, he's doing well, and I owe him a cherry cake with white frosting.
- My siblings and I work hard to take care of Dad, to visit, make decisions, and help him in any and every way that we can.
- I have a new job ... and in a professional setting and hoping I make some differences.
- I have amazing friends ... who keep me busy, keep me grounded and never fail to hug and make a difference in my daily life.
So there's my wandering mind these days ... I will try to be more faithful ... with shorter, maybe more frequent posts. So ...
Until soon,
vic
